Filed under: Reviews
I went hiking with a friend recently. As we arrived at our hiking destination we realized we had forgotten to bring water and it was over 90 degrees. Luckily for us, they were handing out free water at the head of the hiking trail as a promotion for a new product. You see, this wasn’t just any water – this was super special idiot water.
See if you can follow me …. It’s just normal water. You can twist the cap one way, and drink straight up water. But if you turn the cap another way, it drops healthy vitamins, energizing chemicals, artificial coloring, and tasty flavory stuff in there – taking it WAY beyond the realm of “water” and deep into the realm of really fucking lame.
Gone are the days, my friends, of sneaky beverage companies combining ingredients before you buy the product. NO! Now, we are finally free to decide if we want plain water or some saccharin substitute AFTER we purchase it.
It says it’s sweetened by “Stevia” – which I would seriously consider as a drag name if given the opportunity. Only my drag queen alter ego would never be caught dead sweetening the likes of this lame ass drink.
I’ll never understand the flood of “nutritional” or “energy” drink products drowning this country. Were we so bad off, people? Could you just not fucking get up in the morning? Were those weekend jogs just beating the crap out of you – but now that you can drink some artificial chemical cocktail that tastes like a pile of fake fruit made out with a cartoon – and now it’s all worth while again? What was wrong with Orange Juice? What was wrong with Coffee? Sure coffee has it’s drawbacks – but this is the solution?
In Japan there is 1 vending machine for every 23 people. Thats 5.4 million vending machines. In each machine there’s got to be at least 50 beverages, if not more like a hundred. Not one of those beverages claims to provide you with your full intake of daily vitamins, and not one of them claims to energize you without that “redbull fog” (an awesome name for an indie band by the way). What I’m saying here can’t possibly be true – but I can tell you, from experience, that I’ve been to a shit load of vending machines all over Tokyo, and I’ve never seen any drinks like this in them. The drinks in those things claim to be “tasty”, they claim to make you “happy” because they taste good.
I don’t know what marketing genius convinced the American public that it’s better to drink your nutrients than eat them – but congratulations to them. They now have a brand new baby boy named Stevia.
I could go on all day about the uselessness of this drink. I really could. But lets focus on the most important thing here: IT TASTES LIKE SOMETHING THAT COMES OUT OF A SMURFS BUTT.
If I wanted this flavor in my mouth I would eat a strawberry shortcake doll. All jokes aside, I would rather drink my own urine than taste this thing.
You know why? Because lab rats can’t cook worth a shit. Actually that’s not true – I do have a good friend who is a lab rat and she can cook her ass off. But she does so with FOOD in a KITCHEN. Not with chemicals in a lab – where all these stupid drinks are born.
At least Redbull is what it is. You see someone pounding a redbull and it’s like a sign on their forehead. “I know I’m an asshole. I know it’s gross. But I’m fucking tired, alright?”. The industrial shiny metal punk rock can makes no attempt at fooling you into trusting it. I’s a gross little drug that we can all take from time to time and feel appropriately guilty.
So. To wrap it all up. ACTIVE vitamin drink, with it’s special “hid in the lid” twisty cap function (you see it’s funny because it’s grammatically incorrect AND it rhymes) Sucks Balls. It tastes like a slow death. Even if it does contain 200% of your daily vitamins – that’s a bad thing – go eat healthy food – or take vitamins. Anything. just do not drink this thing.
I made this site for one reason: to celebrate how awesome it is that we as humans have the ability to derive insane amounts of pleasure and satisfaction just by carrying out the most basic survival necessity – eating food.
Everything about this product works against that basic principle.
And it sucks fat balls.
ok bye.
Filed under: Recipes
There’s a dumb game. What’s your favorite Color? What’s your favorite mixed drink? Put those together and that’s your Superhero name.
I’m not a mixed drink guy. I’m a Californian, so I’m pretty sure I can get arrested if I don’t enjoy a Margarita now and then. I’m also partial to a good Bloody Mary. But other than that it’s very very rare that I have a mixed drink.
This game got me thinking …. what is my favorite mixed drink? This is what I came up with.
The Black Velvet.
I’m generally surprised to find how many people aren’t familiar with The Black Velvet. For those of you reading – A Black Velvet is what happens when you combine Beer and Hard Cider in a glass while not allowing them to mix (much like a black and tan). More specifically when you combine a Dark Stout with a British Draft Cider. And if you want to get traditional – The Classic Black Velvet occurs when you combine equal parts Guinness Imperial Stout and Strongbow “England’s Dry Cider”.
A brief word on both of these beverages before we get going – as I have been ridiculed for my love of both.
Guinness. No – it is not a meal in a drink. I don’t care if you are used to spouting that useless cliche. Knock it off. Guinness is lighter than Pabst for shit sake. The whole point of this drink it that the Guinness literally floats on top of the Cider. It’s also not a Strong Beer. It’s dark because the barley is roasted before fermentation – the roasting burns off much of the sugar in the barley – it’s that sugar that makes beer heavy and fatty, and it’s that sugar that turns into alcohol. Guinness is a light beer in all respects. It has a different, bitter taste compared to the squirrely crap most people drink in America. Allow yourself to enjoy something different. Guinness is a great drink.
Now Cider. I have been mocked in all corners of the world for drinking Cider. Some dude with a Heineken will treat me like a pansy for having a Strongbow. When did apples become “pansy”? There are flowers in Heineken. Hops. Hops are flowers – pretty ones – like pansies. I’ve said it before on this blog. Cider is a complex and awesome drink that is completely underrated. There are higher end Ciders that aren’t sweet at all and make that Heineken taste like a jolly rancher. Strongbow is a nice halfway point – Sweet and Hearty. Awesome. Drink it. It’s rad.
Better yet – Enjoy them both – Together – Like this!!
1 Can of Guinness
1 Can of Strongbow
1 Pint Glass
1. Get your Strongbow and pour it into the Pint glass until said pint glass is half full. Pour it along the side of the glass slowly to avoid a big head. Remember those tricky pint glasses get wider at the top – so half full goes a lot higher up on the glass than you think..
2. here’s the tricky part. people usually tell you to do this you need to bend a spoon and use it. Well, there’s no need to bend a spoon – but you will be using one. I recommend pouring the Guinness into a measuring cup. You don’t have to – but an important thing in this process is accuracy, and it’s easier to do so with a proper pouring vessel instead of a metal can. Stick the spoon halfway down the glass til it rests just above the Cider, and lean it up agains the glass wall.
3. Now, slowly, pour the Guinness out of the measuring cup and directly onto the spoon. Keep pouring, slowly, and raising the spoon as the liquid rises. When the glass is full – you’re done.
Now Drink Up!! If you did this right – Your first few sips will be straight Guinness, bitter and hearty – The main stay of your drink will be an awesome combination of the Biting Cider and the Dark Guinness – Then you’ll finish up with a few sips of Sweet Undisturbed Cider.
It’s fun. It’s great for St. Patty’s Day. It goes real good with any Irish or British meal you might make. Shepherds Pie, Corned Beef and Cabbage, Fish and Chips.
There’s a dumb game. What’s your favorite color? What’s your favorite mixed drink? Put those together and that’s your Superhero name.
I am The Grey Black Velvet.
Who the hell are you?
ok bye.
Filed under: Recipes
My wife is a vegetarian … kind of. So there’s not a lot of meat flying around the house generally. Every once in a while she has to leave town for a few days for work – At which point I cheat on her with various meat dishes. The last time this happened was about a month ago. She left late in the day, leaving me little time to prepare for my first carnivorous rage. I had to do something simple. So I made up this recipe. I’ll go ahead and say it’s still a work in progress – but it’s more the IDEA that we’re going for here. It’s one of those recipes you can really screw around with and add things depending on what kind of leftovers or other things you happen to have lying around at the time.
About the Lamb. You don’t want to get Lamb that has too much fat on it. It’s not like Steak. That fat usually makes it taste a bit gamey. Whatever fat is there (there will be some) try to cut off as much as you can.
I know some people who have a rule about not eating babies. If you have that rule – don’t eat this – it’s babies. Actually you could totally make this thing with beef stew meat as well. I like the way Lamb rests in the mix of stuff there, but Beef would be awesome. Actually a really cool substitute would be Rabbit. But I’m guessing if you don’t eat baby, you don’t eat bunny. Anyway ….
Here’s the deal.
1 lbs. Lamb - any kind, (legs can be really fatty and full of problems though) cut up into 2(ish) inch pieces
1 Large Onion (or two small ones) - Chopped
2 Carrots – Peeled and Chopped
2 Celery Stalks – Chopped
1 large can of diced tomatoes in their juice
red wine – like 2 glasses
dried herbs chopped up – whatever you want, some rosemary, oregano, dried basil, marjoram, bay leaf – you can go ahead and used the stuff in jars.
Kosher Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper
(maybe crushed red pepper flakes)
*I’ll get into this more later – but all these pictures of all the stuff all put together before cooked is not just for looks. PREP YOUR FOOD!! If you get a good system for prep – chopping up vegetables before you cook – measuring out measurables before you cook – open up cans that need opening before you cook (depending on how long it will be before that stuff goes in) – prepping meat before you cook (seasoning, etc.) …. if you do this right, even the hardest recipes in the world are hardly any work at all. so ….
1. Toss the meat in a glug of Olive Oil, some Salt and Pepper – as always, do not skimp. Most people don’t believe how much Salt is supposed to be used to make their meat taste good – but trust me – if you accidentally over-salt it, it’ll be a miracle. So – do that. Heat a med/large saucepan over high heat with a bit of olive oil in it (not too much). Chuck the meat in and brown it. If stuff sticks to the pan, leave it there. This will just take a few minutes when it’s brown, hopefully has a few burn marks, you’re done. remove the meat from the pan.
2. Add a little more olive oil and bring it up to heat. throw in those dried herbs and a few pinches of crushed red chili flakes if you want it to have some kick. Let that stuff infuse for about 30 second.
3. Add onion. Stir frequently. Let it get translucent. 2 minutes. Add celery. same thing, maybe 2 more minutes. Add Carrot..again….2 more minutes …. keep stirring stuff a bit. Put the Meat back in. Basically every time you add something, let it cook in there for a few minutes with everything else and get cozy. Season it a bit from time to time as well. Next throw in the can of tomatoes. Stir a bit, but let that come up to a boiling point – When it does, throw in the red wine. Stir it up a bit. reduce to Simmer.
4. Cover and cook on really low heat for roughly 2 hours. You might want to remove the lid near the end for a while to reduce some of the liquid and make it all thick and gross and awesome. When it looks like you want it to look – SERVE AND EAT!!!!
This is really really really good when it’s super freaking hot – so you might even want to heat your bowls before you dish the stuff in. It’s a kick ass hot tasty dish for when the weather gets cold.
So. About the wine. Don’t get cheap ass gross stupid wine. If a recipe called for milk, you would use dried powder coffee creamer would you? If it called for cheese you wouldn’t raid a lunchables pack for some gross processed crap, would you? There are some fantastic wines that you can get for under ten dollars – so get them. And don’t start with me on the 2 Buck Chuck thing. If it’s all you can afford – that’s one thing – fine, you do what you gotta do. But don’t look me in the eyes and tell me that you like Charles Shaw. This is something I’ve gotten a number of times. Look – it’s not actually a subjective matter. If you like the way good things taste, you can’t like Charles Shaw. Shaw sucks balls – and that’s the end of it. If you have to get it for one reason or another – OK. But do not convince yourself that you like it, you’re slowing down human progress for the rest of us.
I enjoyed my stew with a glass of a table wine from Novella called Synergy. I paid 7 bucks for it. It was alright – my mind was not blown – But it was a nice compliment to the meal. I also had a sourdough demi-baguette from La Brea Bakery which I smothered in butter and shoved in my face drenched in stew, like an animal. (I read somewhere that animals like a lot of butter on their bread)
This is a nice simple inexpensive stew. It’s really satisfying to make, super comforting to eat. It makes your house smell awesome. (what the hell – i don’t know why this is happening to random paragraphs – i’ll try to fix it)
The first time I ate this stew – I watched a film called “Romance and Cigarettes” while I shoved steaming hot goodness down my throat. I love this film. It’s directed by John Turturro. It’s really weird, and I expect most people would not like it very much at all. I’ll be surprised if you do. But I liked it a lot and it went well with the stew.
Ha – I just remembered – the next night, I had Stew left-overs and I watched “Purple Rain”. Wow. Not a great pairing of food/movie – But such a freaking incredible film to watch!!
While I cooked the stew you see in the pictures I was listening to “March of The Zapotec & Realpeople – Holland” by BEIRUT. It’s a cool album that’s really a combo of two EPs. Good fall cooking music.
Alright, people. That’s all. Go cook food. Find people you like and put said food in their faces. Enjoy yourselves.
ok bye.
Filed under: Recipes
This is such a basic standard recipe that I can hardly get away with stamping my family’s name on it. But It is such a long long standing establishment in my family’s dinners. I grew up eating salad with this dressing almost every day of my life until I was like 18.
Usually when I serve a salad with this dressing to people, they say “tell me you didn’t make this dressing from scratch”. Seriously. But the fact is, it’s easier to make the dressing than the salad itself. Its stupid as hell how easy this is.
There is absolutely no reason ever to buy the cheap ass god awful disgusting excuses for salad dressing they throw into those plastic bottles at the supermarket. None. Ok maybe not “none”. I’ve been known to practically chug a full bottle of Annie’s Goddess Dressing. And don’t think I haven’t tried to come up with a home recipe for that one as well – but it’s a serious pain in the ass and not worth the trouble. SO yeah – that’s the only bottled dressing worth buying EVER.
Make your own salad dressing people – start with this one.
1 Lemon – just the juice
Olive Oil – Match the quantity of Lemon Juice
Garlic – 1 large clove pressed
Kosher Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper –
1. combine all that stuff, stir frequently with a fork while letting it sit for at least 10 minutes. chuck it in your salad – toss and serve.
See? Stupid easy.
So – it’s not exactly as simple as that. What makes this dressing insanely good is massaging those portions ‘til it tastes perfect.
You can alter how much you make as much as you want. But basically you should have roughly the same amount of Olive Oil as Lemon juice. Roughly one large garlic clove per lemon. And Salt and Pepper to taste – be a little bit heavy handed with both.
Once you start mixing those things, keep tasting it as you go. If you need more Lemon or Olive Oil – go for it. It should be noticeably citrusy. If you don’t get a decent taste of lemon, add more. Too much garlic can really kill this one – I’d stay on the safe wide with the garlic – don’t add more than one large clove unless you really aren’t tasting it (and let it sit before you make that decision – the garlic taste will get more intense as it sits and soaks).
The way I’ve described it here makes it seem even harder than it really is. It takes four seconds to make this dressing – it’s super fresh and really awesome. Make this dressing.
sometimes the wife and I won’t even mix it – and often we’ll leave out the garlic (depending on the salad). We’ll just put the salad together, drizzle olive oil over the top, squeeze a lemon over the whole thing, chuck some salt and pepper in there – toss and serve.
If you find yourself at a Salad Bar somewhere – remember this dressing. Do not scoop that thick gelatinous fecal dressing out of one of those surgical plastic tubs and plop it all over your plate. They always have Olive Oil – They always have Lemon Wedges – They always have salt and pepper. Do the math.
Remember the Dirty Mash potatoes from a few days ago? Pick the leaves from the remaining Italian parsley. Rinse and Dry them. Toss with a little of this dressing and serve – straight up – no other ingredients. It’s as simple as it gets, and it’s really awesome.
ok bye
Filed under: Recipes
Hey Hey Hey – two for one!! woohoo! So – new recipe for you today – it’s kinda cool because you sort of get two recipes out of the one. So there
I’m not entirely sure – but I think my family made this one up. Or – I don’t know. If that’s not true I have no idea where it came from – I just remember we started making it at some point and it’s definitely become a staple.
This is one I used to teach all my friends in college a couple thousand years ago because the only “cooking” that goes down is boiling water for pasta. A number of my friends used to successfully pull off making this dish in freaking dorm rooms . So if you find it hard to make – that kinda means you’re retarded.
Again – it’s a pretty different dish. If you’re a boring eater you will probably not like it – and also I hate you. It’s not a dish for the closed minded eater. But I don’t think anyone could ever support the opinion that it’s not really awesome. So fuck it. It’s good food. make it.
Here’s what you need.
1 large (32 oz.) tub of Plain Yogurt - yeah get some greek or european style if you want – that will be cool. for this one I just used plain old bullshit american plain yogurt. it works great.
1 Large cucumber – peeled
3 Garlic Cloves – Pressed … I believe in dicing and not using a Garlic press for the most part – but there are some dishes I think the press is better for – this is one of them.
1 Large Fistful of Dill – chopped up pretty small
Olive Oil …. some … like a couple shots or so
Kosher Salt
Perciatelli Pasta – a box
Kalamata Olives – pitted …. some
Cherry Tomatoes … or whatever cute name they are giving tiny red tomatoes of varying shapes and origins at your supermarket this week ….
Here’s what you do.
1. You’re gonna grate that Cucumber into a strainer or colander of some sort. Use the very basic, standard, shredded cheese size. Once you’ve shredded the whole thing in there – you are gonna salt the crap out of it. Salt it once, big time – Shake it around – Salt it again. Let it sit for like 15 minutes – salt it and shake it around again. We are getting rid of as much moisture as possible.
2. while the cucumber is draining, combine the Yogurt, Dill, Garlic, a few shots of Olive Oil in a large bowl and stir.
3. After to Cucumber has dried for about 20 or more minutes, chuck it in the bowl and mix all together. Let that sit in the fridge for at least 30 minutes. You might need a bit more olive oil or a shake or three of kosher salt. Make sure you didn’t skimp on the Dill too. (I have no idea why this paragraph looks like this – I can’t get it to work)
There’s your Tzatziki. Boom!! Step 3 is done and you already have one dish.
4. Now, bring a big ass pot of water to a boil. Chuck in your Perciatelli and cook until done.
5. Strain the pasta. Chuck a heap of the noodles on a plate or on whatever you want to eat off of. Dump a heaping pile of Tzatziki over it. Now drop a few of the Kalamata olives on there. You can cut the cherry tomatoes in half if you want, or you could not cut the tomatoes in half, or you could not not cut the tomatoes in half – whatever you want – throw some of those on there too.
NOW EAT!! It’s soo easy, it’s completely stupid.
Leftovers are the shit! Get some pita bread, warm it up, dip it in the leftover Tzatziki. Dip whatever you want in there actually.
So – warning – it’s kind of a really really garlicy dish. I wouldn’t make it for someone you’re hoping to make out with. I mean I could get into the idea of making out with someone with super garlicy breath – but I’m a really weird dude with a serious food obsession (read: problem) – Just be warned. I love garlic. This is one of those dishes that, no matter how you wash or shower, your finger tips will smell like garlic for like 2 days. Yes, there are totally ways to get rid of the garlic smell from your fingers. But why the hell would you want to do that? I guess the point is – you can hold back a bit on the garlic if you don’t want it to be crazy – but don’t hold back too much because the soaking of the garlic in all that stuff really plays into the overall flavor – maybe cut back to two cloves (i still think it just won’t be as good, but try it) Garlic is super good for you in a lot of ways – so O.D.ing on it every once in a while is good.
Have an open mind when you eat it. It’s unexpected, but it’s really good and refreshing and different. It’s a great summer pasta. Did I mention it’s like the easiest thing to make in the whole freaking world?
ok bye.
Meet Jessica.
She is my wife. We’ve been together for almost 7 years and been married for 2. She’s the first person I’m profiling on this website, and you’re gonna have to settle for an incomplete one because, as far as food is concerned, there’s a shit load to talk about with this woman. So we’re gonna take it piece at a time.
I suppose this is as good a time as any to reveal to you that I pretty much have absolutely no sweet tooth whatsoever. I love sweet stuff. I love cake. I love ice cream. I love candy and whatnot. I just don’t differentiate between Savory and Sweet really. I guess that’s kind of Bullshit. I do actually prefer savory. I’m not the kind of guy who snacks on sweet stuff throughout the day. I’m not the kind of guy who absolutely has to have dessert every day. It’s weird to me that after eating a huge awesome meal, someone feels the need to then go and eat something else. If I still have room in my stomach I’ll keep eating dinner. I stop when I’m full. Why would I then eat something else.
For this reason I have very few dessert recipes. I’m kind of thinking I might have none at all.
My wife Jessica is the dead opposite of me in this respect. If the sun came up today, she’s gonna have dessert tonight. A few days ago a friend described eating dinner without following it up with dessert as “ … it’s like taking a shit and not wiping”. Jessica would, doubtless, concur.
When Jessica and I first started dating she had a set of basic pots and pans that her grandmother had given her a few years before. They were spotless and completely unused. When I came over to cook her dinner in her apartment’s tiny kitchen she seemed shocked to see that anything worked in there. Times have changed – Dramatically. As I said before, I have no sweet tooth, I do not crave dessert or treats. But sweet or not – this woman makes a dessert worth slaughtering whole villages for.
So, for this reason, Jessica will be handling the Dessert recipes for this website.
Today she has chosen to teach you the ways of the Salted Caramel Sauce – for use with ice cream, apples, fingers, anything. If you put it on a baby, I’ll eat the baby. For his birthday this year, our good friend (and guitarist in my band The Californian) Darren received, from his thoughtful sister Stacey, a batch of this sauce (along with another ridiculous Jessica desert sauce) which she made from the recipe I’m about to give you. I was present to see Darren for the next week or so making almost constant pilgrimages to the refrigerator to dip his finger in the sauce and lap up caramel goodness about 6 or 7 times, before returning to the real world. It’s gross how good it is.
It’s not that hard a recipe, but you NEED TO FOLLOW IT EXACTLY. if you don’t, you’ll be crazy disappointed and have a lot of really gross fucked up cleaning to do. So – without further ado.
Jessica’s Salty Caramel Sauce
2 c. sugar – basic refined sugar
1 c. heavy cream
2 tsp. salt - use sea salt. just go buy it if you don’t have it – keep it around, it’s such a cool thing to use in so many places
2 tbs. Butter - cold
1 c. Water
So.
1. pour the water in a 2 quart heavy bottomed saucepan.
2. Pour the sugar directly into the center of the pan. DON’T TOUCH IT!! Leave it there damnit. just like the pretty picture below. leave a little mountain of sugar there.
3. cover and bring it to a boil. When it reaches a boil, remove the lid. STILL DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH IT – DO NOT STIR AT ALL EVER UNTIL I FREAKING SAY SO!! Let it boil on high for about 15 minutes – until it’s thick.
4. Once it’s thick (after about 15 minutes) reduce the heat to medium and cook it there until it turns a nice dark amber – roughly 5 minutes.
5. Somewhere during all that NOT TOUCHING and boiling – combine the cream and salt in a small sauce pan and bring it to a simmer. If it simmers before the other stuff is done, cover to keep it warm. Yes, you may stir the cream and salt mixture, happy now?
6. So – Remove the boiling syrupy stuff from the heat. Now Very Slowly pour 1/4 of the salty cream into it – DO I HAVE TO REMIND YOU NOT TO STIR THIS YET???? wait a second until the bubbling stops, then slowly add the rest of the cream.
7. Alright who’s ready for it?? NOw my friends, now you whisk – yes with a whisk, not a spoon. You are going to whisk in the butter until it’s all melted in there and the sauce is creamy and thick and awesome.
Now. After following those basic 7 steps – with what you have there in that saucepan, you can pretty much get almost anyone to do almost anything you want them to at all in the world. Let it cool a bit before you serve it. If you serve after a few minutes, it’s a mind altering drippy amber orgasmic explosion. If you refrigerate it and go for it day two, it becomes an extremely thick godlike paste of goodness. Either way, you’re doing just fine.
Last night Jessica enjoyed it with some ice cream. Tonight I’ll be pouring it over baked apples. oh yeah i forgot – after day one if you want it to be all drippy and awesome again, just a little microwave time and it’s good as new.
I hope you enjoyed your first cooking experience with my wife. I enjoy cooking with her very much. She has an unbelievable innate understanding of flavor combinations, a sophisticated palette, and an infectious passion for Freshness in food – but she could hardly give a cold shit about any of those things anywhere near as much as she does a good treat. Seriously – this stuff is like crack. make it. eat it. eat it a lot.
ok bye.
Filed under: Recipes
hello hello hello. I’ve got a quicky for you today. I’m exhausted. It’s been one of those weeks. But regardless of exhaustion I love recipes like this. It’s insanely insanely easy to make and (in my opinion) fucked up good. I say “in my opinion” because I know a few people who don’t dig it. I think they are crazy people, but I thought I’d warn you – simple and tasty as this may be – it has a history of not necessarily being a crowd pleaser. I could eat this every day.
It works all year round. It’s an amazing substitute to boring usual potato dishes. It’s great hot OR cold. It’s the shit. So here you have it.
1 lb. Fingerling potatoes – the skin’s not going anywhere
1 lemon – just the juice
Italian Parsley – about a fistful of leaves
Olive Oil – um. some. I don’t know, like 1/4 cup – probably less.
Kosher Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper
SO! Let’s do it!
1. Rinse the potatoes. Then Steam them. Do that however you want I guess. I could have just left them in the colander and stuck that in a pot of shallow water – but didn’t. I used one of my favorite little weird robots – this guy.
I don’t know why, but since I was very very young I’ve always loved this stupid little thing. It looks like a dumb little robot. Anyway, if you’ve never used one – it opens up into a basket, which you place in a pot – fill water till it doesn’t quite rise above the basket – bring the water to a boil – put your steam-able stuff in the basket – cover and steam. boom. that’s what I did.
It took about 20 (ish) minutes til they were done. When you poke them with a fork, the fork needs to meet little to no resistance.
2. Put the Potatoes and everything else in a big bowl. about the Olive Oil – I don’t know if it’s 1/4 cup. you just drizzle it over everything ‘til it’s coated. Not so much that it’s soggy and gross – but if you don’t do enough it can be a really dry dish.
3. Mash everything with a masher. If you don’t have a masher use a big fork, or two. Use anything really – just mash the crap out of it Don’t use anything electric to mash this up, it’s not meant to be smooth and pretty. It’s meant to look fucked up and dirty.
4. Stir it up a bit, serve, and EAT!!!!!!!!!!
So. That portion right there is enough for a side dish for two people. If you want to make more, it’s easy. It’s really an eyeball sort of dish. Do as much potatoes as you want and keep eyeballing stuff til it looks like it’s supposed to. When it looks right, it’ll taste right. except the lemon part – don’t skimp on that.
When I think of Meat and Potatoes – this is the potatoes part. It’s freaking amazing served with a Steak. Serve it cold with a fish dish in the summer. It’s dirty and easy, but it has the ability to look really elegant and awesome on a plate. The whole thing takes tops 30 minutes to make happen, most of which is the steaming which is no work at all. It’s dumb not to make this dish. Unless you don’t like it – which means you’re the dumb one.
ok bye.
P.S. Do I have to mention how cheap this dish is to make? If you don’t have Salt, Pepper, and Olive Oil in your home, I have absolutely no idea what you are doing reading this blog in the first place – which means all you’re buying is a lemon, a bunch of Italian parsley, and a pound of fingerling potatoes. It’s a joke. I mean it – good bye.
Filed under: Reviews
Welcome back kids. Hope you liked the last post. If you did, and you were paying attention, you will remember me using a strange object. This one.
If you watch TOP CHEF, you might remember this exact same piece of gear from season three. Competing Chef Richard Blais surprised everyone on the show by using his “Little Electric Smoker” to make a “Smoked Mayonnaise”. See – normally you smoke something by using a real smoker – a large barrel like contraption wherein large chunks of wood are wet and then heated to the point of giving off shit loads of smoke – A piece of meat is generally placed in said smoker and left to be cooked by the heat and smoke and when it comes out it tastes like orgasms and rainbows and you die a little inside when you eat it. (this has been a very very simplified kindergardeners version of the process of smoking meat … a kindergardener who for some reason is talking about orgasms). There are actually a number of other ways you can smoke things, but that is the standard. What surprised the judges on the show was that he smoked a Mayonnaise which would typically be difficult to accomplish because of how you might place it in a smoker, or what would happen to it during the process. It was certainly an accomplishment to have pulled it off the kitchen they were working with. Well he wowed them all with his “Little Electric Smoker” in which he would place a small wood chip, light it on fire, and then, with the press of a button, blow smoke through a tube into a container with whatever he wanted to smoke – Mayonnaise, Chocolate Sauce, Babies, whatever.
Chef Richard Blais - this is not his smoked Mayonnaise. I couldn't find a photo of him using the smoker
Everyone marveled at the contraption and wondered how it’s possible that they hadn’t heard of it before. Now I’m sure that on the set of Top Chef, it was very clear to everyone exactly what they were dealing with and I’m sure they had a blast coming up with just what they would call it and deciding how much they could talk about it on screen, seeing as how we’re dealing with a national television show, with a god fearing blue collar american audience and morals to uphold.
Well friends – with hardly any audience at all, no fear in my heart, and absolutely no morals to uphold whatsoever – here at EATFREAK.ORG, we are prepared to give you the truth.
Little Electric Smoker My Ass.
Yes my friends, what we are dealing here is a freaking pipe for smoking stinky weed. We are dealing with Grade A contraband. What we have here is some god damn grass smoking hippie pot head paraphernalia – smoking the shit out of your mayonnaise.
So it’s understandable why they didn’t make a bigger deal about it on the show and tell their audiences how they can find and own their own Little Electric Smoker and make their own smoked condiments in the comfort of their own home …. but I will.
So – All funny pot jokes aside – This thing pretty much freaking rules. here’s what it is, broken down.
It’s basically a plastic smoking pipe with all the standard features. It just has a tiny cheap fan attached to it from the bottom (like those tiny portable fans that people have been tricked into buying for decades now, thinking that it’s actually cooling them down for some ridiculous reason, while we watch them drip sweat from every corner of their body, desperately clinging to a fan fit for a mouse pushing less cool air towards them than if they were actually holding a mouse who was blowing on them) yeah like one of those. There is a small button on the side – press it and the fan turns on. The process would generally go like this. Put pipe to mouth – light bowl – push button – have shit loads of smoke forced down your throat.
So basically this is a smoking pipe for pot heads who hate to breath. Yes, no longer do you damned hippies have to deal with that pesky “breathing” problem. What a fucking bore! Now we can all get stoned without having to use the basic bodily functions for survival.
Anyway – yeah – as far as it’s original use is concerned, I can’t say I understand the attraction – even to the stinkiest of pothead – but it hardly matters now.
As far as it’s uses in food are concerned – it’s really awesome. I seriously recommend you go buy one. That’s right – I want you to jog down to your local head shop (trust me, there’s one within five miles of your home) walk in and ask the man behind the counter if you could see there best electric pipe. It costs about $20 bucks. I keep trying to get my Dad to give it to my brother and sisters for Christmas. I just love the idea of them opening up a gift from their own father only to discover a Glorified Bong. (actually it’s nothing like a bong, I know, but it sounded funnier that way). I think it’s a very funny gift – and a very cool and useful thing in the kitchen.
It’s uses are amazing. The concept is that you can basically infuse almost anything with a rich smokey flavor without the long and intense process of smoking.
The basic process is as follows: You place whatever you want to smoke in a container that either has a tight lid or can fit a piece of plastic wrap over it (I prefer the second option, it gives you more control). You lift the lid or wrap enough to put the mouth end of the pipe in. Light the wood. Keep the lighter going as you press the fan blowing. Blow as much smoke as you possibly can in there. Then, quickly remove the mouth piece and seal the lid or wrap, trapping the food and smoke in there. Let it sit and infuse for as long as you can.
I mean, come on!! It’s really fucking cool.
In my brief experience with the thing I’ve learned a few points of interest. Firstly, it seems to work best with things of a higher fat content. This is why Richard’s Mayo worked so well. I’ve tried to smoke Mushrooms many times with it – and it worked (kinda) – but the smokey flavor is really really subtle (too subtle really). But – just try this on for size.
Chuck a stick of butter in a large bowl and let it get all soft and gross. squeeze in about a tablespoon of Honey (Do Not go overboard with the Honey). Then shake a couple shakes of Cayenne pepper over it (Go overboard with the Cayenne). Mash it all together with a fork or something. Cover that baby up and blow a bunch of smoke it there – let it sit (try to use a subtler, softer, warmer wood flavor – not hickory, not mesquite. in fact you can use Earl Grey Tea leaves – that would be awesome. Break off a piece of a stick of Cinnamon and smoke that in there – are you starting to see the bigger picture here????). Remove the lid, mix it around, mold the butter into whatever shape you want – a pistol, a monkey, Rob Lowe, anything. refrigerate ‘til it’s solid again (it’ll never be totally solid again now because of the honey, but it’ll get close) Spread that shit on some toast – and thank me later.
Also – it works best with small stuff like that butter. It’s not really gonna smoke your steak for you. I mean, it will, but it will be pretty subtle. This contraption is cool because it can smoke unusual things – and to be honest that’s what it is best for. It does not under any circumstances replace an actual smoker. But if you are without a smoker and want to try to infuse your stock, steak, turkey dinner, anything with a smokey flavor – you can.
There is no standard process for using the thing – and there are no classic recipes to use it with because it’s very new and also because the food professionals are all embarrassed to really explain and talk about it. But it’s a really exciting piece of gear for that reason. It’s really fun to think of new uses for it. I’m working on some form of smoked ice cream flavor. I haven’t done it yet, but I’m guessing a smoked Guacamole would be freaking incredible.
I can’t imagine the thing would still be good for it’s original use once you’ve cooked with it, seeing as how it will reek of hickory. Or maybe it would – Have some smoke with your smoke. But remember – stay away from that devils weed. It’ll eat your babies and steal your women. Next thing you know you’ll wake up at a dirty orgy with dreadlocks, an empty tub of Ben and Jerry’s sitting next to you, and Cheetoh dust all over your fingers.
Thanks for reading. This has been The Eat Freak. Blowing smoke up your ass.
goodbye forever ‘til next time.
P.S.. I forgot to mention. on the show, Richard’s smoker broke, leaving them up a creek without so much as a dime-bag. I’m guessing this happened for the same reason mine broke right after I got it. Here’s the deal. You must be careful with the wood chip you use, if it is flakey, or if you’ve loaded a bunch of small chips in there, or if your piece is just too small it will get sucked straight into the fan and kill everything. It’s an easy enough fix. You take the whole damn thing apart, remove the chip, put it back together, and you’re back in business. Buzz Kill. Ok, I’m really going now.
P.S.S. ugh LAME!!!!!! So someone who watched Top Chef was evidently smart enough to decide to capitalize on the interest in the product. They have patented, built, and are now selling their “Smoking Gun” at roughly 4 times the price. I’m attaching a link to where you can buy it for those of you who don’t have the testicular fortitude to walk your ass into a bong shop and save $50 Bucks.
http://www.cuisinetechnology.com/thesmokinggun.html
No you hang up first …. no YOU!!
Filed under: Recipes
This is a recipe that grew out of an old Tyler Florence recipe, actually. How lame is that? Really lame. Really lame indeed. This is something that I pull out about once a year when fall rolls around. It’s very different, and warm, and fall-ish, and awesome. Um. It can get pretty complicated depending on how from-scratchy you want to get. The recipe calls for a “smoked chicken stock”. This can be achieved in a number of ways. I’ll go into detail later. You can simplify the process in a lot of places, but this is not one of the recipes that I would call super easy and simple. Here goes.
2 quarts (ish) Smoked Chicken Stock
1 Pumpkin – smaller pie pumpkin is best – gutted and sliced into thin wedges like a melon (i leave the stem on ’cause i think it looks cool)
2 small Napa Cabbages OR 1 medium Savoy Cabbage – sliced super thin
1 onion – Chopped
2 tbs Sage – diced Also save some Sage leaves for later
Nutmeg – A dash … maybe a little more than a dash
1/4 c. Olive Oil
3 cloves of Garlic – finely diced
1 medium/large Jalapeno – sliced, seeded, and toasted (just roast ‘em for a bit until they barely start to blacken) use more if you want it spicier. if you don’t like spicy … we’ll deal with you later.
1 c. or so tiny diced Pancetta ( you can use a bit more if you want)
A bunch of Kosher Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper
So there’s all your stuff. I bought all of that plus all the stuff to make the stock from scratch, a country white sourdough loaf, and the kick ass Cider that I enjoyed with it all for a little more than $30 bucks – so there.
Here’s what you do with it.
OK – about the stock. I’m not always a fresh stock Nazi – sometimes boxed or canned broth can totally work for a recipe – soup or otherwise. This is not one of those recipes. You really should make the smoked chicken stock. Here’s a few ways to make it.
A.. Make chicken stock however you normally make it but smoke the chicken first instead of roasting it….duh.
B. Option 2 is what I did last night and it requires a piece of gear which I will review soon.
If you don’t recognize what the contraption above is – it’s an industrial portable food smoker. If you do recognize what it really is …. it’s exactly what you think it is. So. I used the “industrial portable food smoker” to infuse a smokey hickory flavor with the chicken going into my stock at a number of points. When it was chopped up and raw. Once I had cooked it before boiling the stock. Then I smoked the Stock itself a bit at the end. You just tightly cover the chicken or stock, blow smoke in there and then cover tightly for a while to let the smoke set in.
C. If you ABSOLUTELY MUST use a canned broth or stock – you can use the above contraption and just smoke it before using it. But that will pretty much blow.
So Now you have your smoked Chicken Stock – Let’s make the soup.
1. Preheat your oven to 345 degrees. Toss the Pumpkin slices in a big bowl with the Olive Oil, Nutmeg, Diced Sage, some Salt, and A Lot of Pepper – go crazy with the pepper. Toss it all around to coat the Pumpkin slices. Lay the slices out on a Baking Sheet. Chuck it in the oven for about 45 minutes. You want the meat to be mushy and the skin to be blackening (doesn’t have to be black – but it looks cool if it is).
2. While that’s roasting …. Heat up a medium or large sauce pan or Stock pot to medium-ish heat. Throw in your pancetta and cook that stuff until it’s all stinky and all the juicy stuff is all over the pan. I kinda overcook it on purpose for this recipe – it adds to the the smokiness. (maybe 5-10 minutes)
3. You might need to add a little olive oil at this point – you might not if the Pancetta has spat out enough fat and juice. Anyway – Throw in the Onion and let that get awesome and translucent. Add the garlic – let that get equally awesome for like 2 minutes. Stirring pretty consistently. Now add The Cabbage and some Sage leaves (like 6). Stir this stuff all around until it’s all wilted and smells really amazing (maybe 5 minutes). Do I have to remind you to be seasoning all this stuff along the way? Once you’ve added the onion you need to be seasoning everything with Salt and Pepper occasionally.
4. Once everything is sweaty and cooking – Add The Stock. Do it. Bring that puppy to a boil. Lower to a simmer and add the Jalapeno slices*.
5. When the pumpkin is done – Ladle bowls full of the broth and add a slice or two of Pumpkin – try to use the ones with the stem on – it’s just fucking cool that way – period.
NOW EAT!!
I served the soup with a slice of La Brea Bakery country white sourdough, which was rad. I also enjoyed a glass of Hard Apple Cider, which was super rad. Cider is highly underrated and underused. There are a number of more sophisticated Ciders out there that don’t taste like sweet ass apple candy. They have very complex earthy flavors and a very biting hearty feel to them – they’re awesome and I’ll be talking more about them later. But last night I enjoyed a very basic, cheap, sweet, candy ass cider from Trader Joes, and it was Bad Ass. Hornsby’s Amber Draft is comparable and easier to find if you want to check it out. If you’re on the east coast, go for Cider Jack (it’s actually better than the other two i mentioned and the same price)
I think this’ll serve about 4 people – it’s perfect for 2 – then you can have kick ass left overs – if you keep the pumpkin and broth separate, you can do all kinds of different things with that pumpkin. My wife will pull out single wedges and snack on them throughout the following week. Like I said, kick ass.
*for those of you who don’t dig spicy – don’t add all of the Jalapeno slices – and you can just avoid actually eating the peppers themselves in the soup. But, to those of you who don’t dig spicy ………. dig spicy. Spicy is awesome. It doesn’t last forever. It might come back to bite you in the ass later (literally) – but even that goes away. 1 Jalapeno costs 16 cents – what a great cheap way to remind yourself that you’re alive. You can go way overboard and sweat and cry and explode into your bowl of soup – it’ll hurt like hell – and you’ll feel amazing when it all goes away. Seriously. Eat Spicy Food. It’s actually really good for you.
So there. If you make the soup, let me know how it goes – even if it sucks – I’d love to know.
It was raining yesterday in Los Angeles – which is our equivalent of a bright shiny 72 degree day for the rest of you in the country. We get rain like 3 days out of the year and it’s freaking glorious. It was the perfect day to cook something steamy and warm and awesome like this. Give it a try – knock yourself out.
While I cooked this I was listening to the eponymous debut album from “Dead Man’s Bones”. It’s a freaking incredible album. Go get it on itunes or whatever. If you find it too weird, get over it, it’s not, it’s incredible. good fall music, good to cook too.
ok bye.
p.s. oh yeah, hey, Save the seeds from the pumpkin guts and do something cool with them. ok i’m really going now.
Filed under: Stuff
So. hey. most of this stuff is covered in the “about” page, but I thought I’d take a moment to officially welcome you to my new blog and explain a few things in a detail. So. Here goes.
I’m John. I am not a food professional of any kind at all. I am a musician. I just happen to have a serious obsession with food and most things concerning food. I cook a lot. So much it’s obnoxious. I love cooking for my friends and family – and when I do I hear this a lot “Dude, you should totally start a restaurant”. Well – flattering though that may be (Though my cooking is a far freaking cry from restaurant quality … at least the kind of restaurant I’d want to put my name on) The fact of the matter is that the restaurant industry sucks balls. Almost as many balls as the music industry. I’ve got one ridiculous, life consuming, crack addled, crumbling maniac of a profession to deal with – I don’t need two – and if I leave music it’ll be for something unfathomably boring and quiet and stable. The food industry is none of those things.
When I was 18 I attended the first four weeks of the California School of Culinary Arts. I had to leave for family reasons. By the time I was ready to return, I had also been accepted to Berklee College of Music. I had to make a hard decision. I chose music. The music industry is a very heartbreaking monster. You spend a lot of time busting your ass for free and praying for a day when you finally feel like you are “working”. I used to spend a lot of my time wondering if I made the wrong decision, and if I should leave music and go back to cooking. I don’t know why, but one day I grew up and remembered that the food industry is just as heartbreaking, just as hard, and just as monstrous – and were I ever to leave music for food – I’d spend every hard day wondering if I made the right choice and if should I go back to music. So instead of doing that stupid dance I’m sticking to my guns and making noise for a living. BUT…….
… That doesn’t mean I can’t write a ridiculous blog about my never-ending obsession with food stuff and things and force you poor bastards to read it. Not true. I can’t force you. But I’ll try.
What can you expect to find on this blog? Well, I’m glad you asked. Food. I’m gonna cook and show you recipes I make with pretty photos. I’m also gonna review stuff like restaurants, cooking gear, food books, other food things. I might occasionally go off on some useless but (hopefully) entertaining food rant. I will also be making profiles for some of the people in my life who pertain to my food obsession – the people I cook for, the people I cook with, the people who cook for me. I’m guessing this will be my favorite part of the blog and here’s why ….
… solipsism is real. The only life we know how to live is one trapped within our own minds. The fact that people try to share anything with one another is fucking incredible. But there are a few things that we have to share. We are all born – we will all die. Unless you die immediately after being born (if this is true of you and you are reading this – we need to talk) one of the few other things that we will definitely share is eating. You have to eat – otherwise you will die. Me too. That’s something we share. And I really like sharing it with you – and basically anyone who is willing to.
So – enough of the sappy shit. On to the real stuff. I’m an incredibly disorganized disastrous person when it comes to putting stuff like this together. That said you should expect to see a post a day – whether it’s a recipe or a review or a profile or whatever – if a day goes by and you don’t see a post – it’s because I’m a loser.
I could keep writing stuff – but I’ve got a whole blog to fill, so I’ll save it for later. Until then – eat good things – freak.
