EATFREAK

Hey – That photo reminds me of a joke I once heard. What has a mouth and doesn’t make it’s own Tortilla Chips? I really freaking lame person!

I don’t care if it’s not funny – it’s true. Here’s the deal. For your money – you are probably eating shit tortilla chips. Maybe you don’t care – fine – eat bullshit chips. But for cheaper than a bag of Doritos you can have better chips than Baja Fresh – yes friends, even better than Poquito Mas. (that’s an L.A. reference for you outsiders). If you live in a town with Trader Joes – get their 99 cent bag of Corn Tortillas (these turn out like a really badass frito) ….. or splurge on their $1.99 handmade ones and live the dream (these turn out like a golden fried deity). If you don’t have a TJs nearby – get a bag of small hand sized tortillas – whichever kind you want – I dig white corn. (I’m guessing I don’t need to mention if you happen to live near a kick ass Mexican Grocery Store – their Tortillas will beat the crap out of the aforementioned ones, and will likely be as cheap if not cheaper)

1 bag tortillas (see above) – cut however you want – classic wedges makes 8 chips per tortilla – strips can be fun – use a cookie cutter and make O.J. Simpson chips – whatever you want.

SOME oil – enough to come up to about an inch in the pan. I like to use Sunflower Oil – Canola is cool – Peanut is real cool. Again – who cares – it’s still going to be better than Doritos.

1. heat the oil in a 10 (ish) inch nonstick pan – or a skillet – whatever. Let it get good and hot. Give it a few minutes.

2. Add chips in batches – about 8 at a time – give them tops 15 seconds on each side. TOPS. near the end that oil will be getting hot and it’ll take less time.

3. Transfer to a paper towel lined plate for a little bit to dry out before chucking them into a big bowl.

4. In the bowl – season with cool stuff. I like just salt and pepper. You can do Lawry’s Salt. a mixture of Mexican Chili Powder and Curry Powder. Celery Salt and a little bit of lime. Shake it all around. Now you’re done.

The only tricky part is getting the timing while doing batches and transferring to that bowl. Don’t let things get burnt. Or do! I don’t know. I like variation in the chips. Sometimes you get a slightly underdone chewy one and sometimes you get a smokey burnt one. Kickass.

This whole thing takes like ten minutes so …. if you don’t do it you’re pretty useless. Also – when you’re done – let the oil cool in the pan then pour it into something you can save it in for later. That oil will be good for about 3 more batches of chips before it starts to give you cancer and kill you.

There you go – Doritos prices – Badass flavor that doesn’t come out of a test tube. I find this whole process to be insanely rewarding and tasty as balls. Super easy. Super good.

Ok love ya gotta go goodbye forever

p.s. about twice a year I get a BIG ASS craving for Doritos and eat a whole bag to myself. judge accordingly.

Hey

Let’s try this again. I’m John Graney. I’m a moron. I have no organizational skills whatsoever. I have a habit of biting off more than I can chew – literally and figuratively. Hence, the blog about food (biting … chewing) that I cannot seem to keep up with ( … more than I can ….). Again – I am not a chef or a food professional of any kind. I am a musician – which means I have large periods of time that are free, and large periods of time that are completely booked up. I’m sad to say that my original structure for this blog took an unreasonable amount of concentration and preparation from me – too much commitment for me to keep up with. Therefor in order to keep this bad boy running, there is going to have to be some major douching. Over the next few days I am going to be redesigning and restructuring this blog so it allows me to give you people what you want: Recipes, Images and Articles about various things which taste either ridiculously good or unfathomably disgusting, all told in a sort of closed minded and overly judgmental vernacular while incorporating a heavy handed dose of expletives and other childish language devices. Sound about right?

In the meantime I leave you with this age old classic:

Jicama Sticks a la kickass

1 jicama – peeled – use a big ass knife and be very careful. (I’ve only ever cut myself twice in the kitchen – one of those times was when cutting a jicama) Then chop it into french fry sized sicks

lime juice – um …. some. maybe 2ish limes worth – it’s up to you really.

Chili powder – get mexican chili powder if you can – otherwise, whatever. Again, the exact measurement is “some”. As much as you want.

1. Throw the jicama sticks in a big bowl – squeeze lime juice all over it until the sticks are decently coated – shake chili powder over the sticks, stirring frequently until you have the amount that you want.

NOW EAT!!!! This is one of the healthiest most addictive and amazing snacks of all time. Good substitute for a light side salad. Also works as a snooty ass gourmet party starter. Yay Jicama!!

There. That should keep you happy for a minute while I clean shit up around here.

love ya gotta go bye

Ok.  Well it finally happened.  I missed a day.  Oh wait, I missed a shit load of days.  This last week proved to be the reason I cannot maintain a daily Blog.  In the end I think it’s for the best.  I have a hard time not writing about 40 pages per entry and now that there won’t be an entry every day it will give you, my precious reader, more time to enjoy it.  I think from now on you can expect roughly an entry a week.  I’ll throw in little special ones here and there, and sometimes it might be once every two weeks – but on average – one a week.

So – To make up for my tardiness I’m giving you a pretty serious recipe.  In my house this recipe translates roughly to “The Ultimate Comfort Food In The Fucking World”.  We all have our favorites.  Everyone has their ultimate comfort food that they turn to when in need.  For my wife and I (though it is a close call with a few other things) this reigns supreme.

This Spaghetti is super super duper easy.  It is not a fancy kick ass recipe that will blow your mind.  Well, it might blow your mind – it blows mine.  But it’s not gourmet – it’s not exotic and unique – it’s none of that stuff.  This is sweat-pants-and-reruns-of-”Cheers”  Spaghetti.

I got this recipe from my sister, Liz.  If you read the post about Clamato, she’s the one who warned me not to fuck with Beefomato.  Just to clarify (and avoid a family wide brawl)  I enjoy Beefomato very much.  I was simply implying that if someone had an issue with trying Clamato because they find it “weird” – they’ve got another thing coming.  (phew – tippytoed out of that one).  Um.  I’m pretty sure I haven’t changed a thing from the original recipe she gave me a few years ago – aside from the fact that all of the measurements are pretty much more like guidelines anyway.  Though I think I use significantly less Garlic than she does.

I made this recipe last week because my wife and I were both slammed with work.  I think I saw her a total of 3 hours all week.  I was so busy I literally couldn’t make it out to the opening weekend of a new Musical that I helped compose the music for.  BEAU FIB.    And she was busy preparing for and then putting on a very very important fashion show.   She’s kind of a freaking genius (as is her partner Lisa).  Together they are LEYENDECKER.

ah yes – the shameless plug – one of the pleasant perks of being incredibly self important.  Well at least that was a plug for somebody else.  But then, if Leyendecker does well – I do well.  So go buy their stuff – Daddy needs a new Wolf Range.

Anyway – back to the point.  Food.  Spaghetti.  Four Letter Words.

1 large can Tomato sauce – Liz and I both prefer Condatina (they didn’t have it today)

1 small can Tomato Paste – Liz and I both prefer Condatina (they had it today)
1 medium/small onion – Chopped
1 or 2 Celery Stalks – very thinly sliced
1-4 Garlic Cloves – I think Liz uses 4, I use about 2
crushed red pepper – some
Italian Seasoning – or dried oregano or whatever – some
Olive Oil
Kosher Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper
1 box Spaghetti Noodles
1 glass of wine – red or white, I change it depending on my mood.  sometimes I’ll use sweet vermouth or Sherry.  I think Liz uses Vodka and she uses a little more than a shot or so.
( 1 episode of Cheers .  early or late years, doesn’t matter.  Add more to taste if desired)

(Sidenote – sorry.  If you cook Tomatoes without using alcohol you fail to release a number of very kick ass flavor compounds inside the tomato.  Some recipes count on the lack of those compounds, fine.  Pay attention to the tomato recipes you cook with or without alcohol involved and get to know the difference – it’s significant.  generally the guideline is to use the amount of alcohol you would  drink …. so if you use beer, use a bottle, wine, use a glass, vodka, use a shot – etc.)

So – prep is important here – do it all in advance because you’ll be throwing a bunch of stuff in a hot pan in succession, you don’t want to be opening the can of tomato sauce while you are overcooking and burning your vegetables.

1.  pour some olive oil in a big hot sauce pan – look at the picture if you want to know how much.  judge how much of the herbs and red pepper you wanna use (careful with the pepper, seriously)  throw that in the oil with some salt and pepper too.  let that infuse for about 30 seconds.

2.  Chuck in the Onion – let it get awesome for a bit – I stir very consistently throughout this whole process, you don’t want ANYTHING to brown – when it’s translucent and your neighbors can smell it Throw in the Celery – again …wait for it to be awesome (lose a bit of it’s color)  Then throw in the Garlic – Do Not Let It Brown … but do let it get awesome … this is awesome (below)

actually this is slightly less than awesome. The celery needs to lose a bit more color, and i browned the herbs a bit because I had to take a picture for you ... you see? the sacrifices I make.

3.  Throw in the Tomato Sauce and Tomato Paste and stir like hell(come to think of it, i don’t think Liz uses the paste) anyway – to be completely honest, I eyeball it, and if I want more sauce today I throw in more sauce … this time I threw in one more small can of sauce.

4.  let it come to a bubble and chuck in the booze – stir.  Let it come to a steady bubble and reduce to low heat.

5.  if you’ve got a splatter shield – use it, this puppy’s a spitter.  You’re gonna keep that on low and reduce it until it’s the thickness you want.  I have no idea how thick you want it, so don’t ask me.  But you’re looking at at least an hour, more like two.  Liz likes it thicker than peanut butter, I believe.  I concur.

6.  When the sauce looks like it’s getting close to ready, boil a big ass pot of water.  Chuck in the noodles and cook them until they are done.

7.  I have no idea what Liz does now – I obey my wife at this point.  Strain the noodles – then chuck all of them in the sauce pan with the sauce.  Raise the heat to high and stir that ridiculous mess up until it’s smoking hot.

NOW SERVE AND EAT, FOOLS !!!!!!!

I could shove this shit in my face for days.  Every single time we make it – like a couple of freaking morons – we say “I think this is the best batch yet”.

It’s so easy – it’s so basic – it’s so simple.  I have no idea why people get addicted to crack when this spaghetti is out there – it’s cheaper, it tastes better, and I understand coming down off it is significantly milder.

It gets better day two.

As I cooked this, I listened to Julian Casablanca’s new album “Phrazes For The Young”.  It’s not out yet, but you can hear the full album on Myspace.  It’s kind of amazing.  There are definitely some pretty poopy songs on it, but the there is some other really really cool shit.  I’m not ashamed of my serious love of The Strokes.  You hear that, music snobs?  I don’t care what you think of me.  I own all of their records and all of their respective solo albums as well.  I have a great amount of respect for them as a band, and great respect for Casablancas.  I think that son of bitch really knows how to write a song, and I’m a sucker for an irreverent crooner.  Check it out.

SO!  Dump a super hot steaming pile of Spaghetti in a bowl, throw on some fucked up old sweats, and curl up on the couch with Ted Danson – but don’t get too close – that puppy’s a spitter too, as I understand.

ok bye.

Clamato.  Loved or Feared.  Mostly feared.  Misunderstood?  Certainly.  Those of you who choose not to partake like to squish up your face all weird at the very mention, while those of us who do partake sit around and share Clamato sex fantasies.

My family loves to tell the stories of small children crawling around with Clamato in their baby bottles.  These stories are true.  I had Clamato in my bottle when I was an infant.  I remember the day my brother poured Clamato into his first born daughter’s bottle.  I know it’s fucked up.  what?  Well, it’s not actually fucked up.  It is kind of cultish and odd.  The point is, I grew up on the stuff and find it as common place as water.

Most people treat Clamato like Alien Piss.  They fear it while simultaneously convincing themselves that it can’t possibly exist.  Perhaps not “most people” – but I’ve been surprised to see how many people just cant freaking handle the concept of it.

So – let’s get it out of the way.  What Is Clamato?  In essence, it’s a tomato juice cocktail.  One of the ingredients that makes up this cocktail is indeed dried Clam Broth – Hence …. CLAMato.  (this is the part where most people squish their face up all weird …… feel free).

If you didn’t squish up your face – if you have no problem with that idea – or if you are one of us (those who enjoy Clamato frequently)   This Post is not for you … but feel free to read on.

For those of you who did squish your face up …. get over it.  Clamato rules.  I get it.  I understand (to an extent) that the idea of clams in your tomato juice may seem strange ….  did I say “I understand”?   Sorry.  I’m gonna retract that  (retract but not erase …  what a prick).  If you do not hate clams, there is no reason to have a problem with this.  Haven’t you ever had a Clam based Pasta dish?  Kick ass sweaty tomatoey steamy clammy goodness?  Come on!!  It’s not a crazy concept.

Nothing pisses me off more than a closed mind – especially about food.  That is not to say that everyone should have an enormous wide spread palate and you suck if you don’t love everything.  That’s not true at all.  But if you dismiss something without giving it an open minded chance – you’re a moron.  There are no rocket jetpacks, you are never going to shoot at bad guys while hanging from a helicopter, or hang out in a tree with your friend cartoon dragon.  FOOD is one of the only real adventures, people.  Certainly the easiest one we’ve all got access to.  If you are not adventurous in any other aspect of your whole life, at least you can try to be where food is concerned.

So – with that in mind – drink Clamato – now.  Do it with an open mind.  Don’t think about the Clam thing.  Forget what it is entirely.  In my opinion the whole clam flavor thing is pretty freaking mild – often not even noticeable.  The real thing you will definitely notice about Clamato is the Garlic flavor.  It’s more Garmato than Clamato.

Here’s the thing.  Most people aren’t going to just drink a glass of Clamato (as I did this morning) – I understand that.  That’s not generally what it’s for anyway.  I understand if you find it a strange beverage, but it’s not just a beverage.  Clamato is a staple in many recipes I make – and it’s a really unique way of throwing some very cool flavors into a lot of dishes.  It’s an awesome addition to Gazpacho.  Any seafood soups with a tomato broth get really kick ass when you add Clamato.  Not to mention the Bloody Mary for Pete’s sake (does that count as a second Pete’s Dragon reference?)  Jesus!  Now, I’ve had a number of really really good Bloody Mary’s that did not have Clamato in them … sure … but I didn’t inhale, and I did not like it.  It’s cool to actually combine regular tomato juice with Clamato for a Bloody Mary.

I want to officially start Clamato Awareness week.  I’m gonna look into this.  I’ll let you know what I come up with.

I do have one issue with Clamato – which I’ve developed recently.  Lately I try very hard to avoid foods that are made in Labs instead of Kitchens.  Mostly the idea is to stay away from things with to many ingredients that have impossible science words in them.  It’s just an idea, not a law, or even a rule – but I try to follow it as a guideline.  Clamato definitely does contain the dreaded “High Fructose Corn Syrup”.  It is for this reason I try to use it more sparingly these days.  BUT Far More Importantly – it is why I have started the Eat Freak Clamato Challenge.  I will begin, shortly, testing various recipes for a homemade Clamato.  The intention is to come up with a recipe that is reasonably cost effective (as close to buying a bottle of Clamato as possible) that can serve as a suitable substitute.  If you’d like to give it a try I’d love to hear about your attempts.  I’ll be posting mine here for your enjoyment – successes and failures.

Before I go, I will leave you with a link to the recipe section of Clamato.com – I think some of the stuff their looks pretty awesome – you should try some of it out.

http://www.clamato.com/en/recipes/food/

Hey – at least it’s not Beefamato.  Yep.  the photo is real.  Can’t make this shit up.

ok bye.

p.s.  sorry about the tiny font.  i cannot, for the life of me, get this thing to work today.