EATFREAK

So.  After over a hundred years of brewing human piss and vomit – The folks at Anheuser-Busch finally realized that they suck asses and need to release an actual beer.

Meet “Budweiser American Ale”

Now.  I am a serious beer fan.  A really really really big beer dork.  I’ve brewed my own beer a number of times.  I’ve read books on the brewing process and history of the beverage.  I’ve visited a number of breweries around the nation.  You get the idea.

I personally believe that one of the most beautiful things about beer is that it can be enjoyed at so many different levels of the culinary experience.  You can enjoy a top notch German Dunkelweiss alongside a perfectly prepared confit of duck.  The next day you can down a few Pacificos with lime on the beach with some cheap ass chips and gross cheese dip.

My main point is – I am not what you would call a “beer snob”.  I appreciate a good cheap lager in it’s right place.  But make no mistake.  Budweiser is not a “good cheap lager”.  Neither is Coors.  Neither is Miller.  Neither is Pabst (You hear me hipsters?  Yes even your precious little trophy throwback beer).

There are a number of porn genres which involve the videotaped drinking of human urine.  I am just dying to get one of those “actors” opinion of Budweiser.

Anyway – now that I’ve alienated and pissed off a bunch of people – lets get back to the point.

In 2008 (i don’t know exactly when)  Budweiser debuted it’s new “American Ale”

They are not the only cheap ass brewery to attempt to apologize for their years of shit brew with a new fandangled “real” beer.  But this is the bottle that I saw randomly at the market today – and so – this is the one I’ll be reviewing.

First thing noticed – nice pour.  It has a very pronounced Amber color to it.  Upon pouring it had a nice head on it.  Said head dropped somewhat quick, but that’s to be expected with most american style ales.  It has large bubbles.  You generally only see this in home brewed beer, small microbreweries, or smaller boutique beer companies.  It’s kind of neither here nor there but it is a sign that Budweiser isn’t pulling a quick one on us.  You can’t fake the large bubbles.  This means that this beer is indeed brewed in a somewhat old school traditional manner instead of the robots in Milwaukee.  (that’s not fair – it could indeed be the same robots who have just learned a thing or two about brewing over a few decades)

So visually – it gets – well … an A+

Next.  Smells like a good beer.  Definite Nutty smell.  I can expect a bit of that nutty flavor that you get out of so many Colorado Style Ales.  I don’t like that personally – but that’s just me.  Many people enjoy a nutty beer, that’s cool, just not my style.  Again, it kind of smells like a home brew.  It’s difficult to explain if you’ve never brewed at home or had home brewed beer – but theres this malty sort of thing.

Taste time.

well.  It tastes good.  I would love to tear this beer apart.  I would love to rub dog shit in the face of Anheuser-Busch and say that even their best effort couldn’t come up with a potable beverage.  Can’t do it.  For the last time – it even kind of tastes like a home brew.  Those bubbles go down in a very specific way that reminds me of many home brews I’ve had.  The nuttiness is subtler than I expected, which I like in an American Style Ale.  You definitely taste the Hops very directly.  As a Californian (home of the ever hoppy Pale Ale) I dig that.  But again it’s subtle.

This beer doesn’t blow my mind.  It definitely won’t join the ranks of my favorite beers – cheap ass or snooty.  I rank it above most of the stuff coming out of Samuel Adams – Below anything coming out of New Belgium Brewery (but then it’s a slight price point below them).

But I definitely do enjoy it.  It would go amazingly with a good burger.  It could also befriend a good steak.

If you are a lighter beer person, you won’t dig it.  I kind of don’t know what the hell your problem is – but whatever.

So um.  Where does this leave me – and you?  Well, we now know of one more good American Ale out there.  I don’t really see myself ordering it unless it’s the only beer in it’s class on a drink list.  Well that’s not true.  I’d order it over a Sam Adams.

I guess all this means is I don’t get to rant and rail on the uselessness of Anheuser-Busch (though this hardly excuses about 7 trillion other atrocities they’ve committed).  And maybe all you devoted Bud drinkers can finally grow up and drink real beer.

that’s all.

ok bye.

KAPOOSH BITCHES!!!

Alright.  Who’s heard of the Kapoosh?  Well, it’s the shit.

Problem:  Storing Knives.

If you put your knives in a drawer they will dull under their own weight and get damaged by other shit in there.  Most wood knife blocks only work for the full knife set they sell with them – so you’ve got odd shaped things that don’t work with every one of them on the market.  Also, when the knife rests on it’s edge in a wooden slot, it dulls as well.

Solution:  KAPOOSH

Though not made by the lovely people who brought us the Koosh Ball, it’s name, basic function, and core technology are sort of it’s evil twin.

It’s seriously just a Knife block, but instead of having slots for knives, they’ve basically shoved an enormous koosh ball in there.  Who was smoking what when they came up with this idea?  I don’t know.  But they are freaking geniuses.

It can fit any knife at all.  All of your knives can go in it – no matter what shape or size.  The soft Kooshy Alien Fingers don’t dull or scratch the blade in any way, giving it a safe soft storage space.

Also, and most importantly – you can take all the knives out and squish your fingers in there, and it feels really weird.

You can find it for anywhere between $20-$30 online.  Ooh, I guess their making fancy stainless ones now for almost $70 too, if you wanna spend too much money .

http://www.amazon.com/Kapoosh-Universal-Knife-Block-Woodgrain/dp/B000O35PIK

http://www.vat19.com/dvds/kapoosh-universal-knife-block-utensil-holder.cfm

this guy gave it a bad review.

http://www.cookingforengineers.com/article/272/Kapoosh-Knife-Block-not-recommended

He’s got something up his ass.  But if you’re worried about the issues he presents (I’ve owned my Kapoosh for 2 years now and never experienced any of the shit he talks about) just email him, ask him what he’s got up his ass, and get one for yourself.

The kitchen should ALWAYS be fun … no matter how serious the cooking gets.  What’s more fun than shoving a bunch of knives in a koosh ball?  not freaking much.

ok bye

I went hiking with a friend recently.  As we arrived at our hiking destination we realized we had forgotten to bring water and it was over 90 degrees.  Luckily for us, they were handing out free water at the head of the hiking trail as a promotion for a new product. You see, this wasn’t just any water – this was super special idiot water.

See if you can follow me ….  It’s just normal water.  You can twist the cap one way, and drink straight up water.  But if you turn the cap another way, it drops healthy vitamins, energizing chemicals, artificial coloring,  and tasty flavory stuff in there – taking it WAY beyond the realm of “water” and deep into the realm of really fucking lame.

Gone are the days, my friends, of sneaky beverage companies combining ingredients before you buy the product.  NO!  Now, we are finally free to decide if we want plain water or some saccharin substitute AFTER we purchase it.

It says it’s sweetened by “Stevia” – which I would seriously consider as a drag name if given the opportunity.  Only my drag queen alter ego would never be caught dead sweetening the likes of this lame ass drink.

I’ll never understand the flood of “nutritional” or “energy” drink products drowning this country.  Were we so bad off, people?  Could you just not fucking get up in the morning?  Were those weekend jogs just beating the crap out of you – but now that you can drink some artificial chemical cocktail that tastes like a pile of fake fruit made out with a cartoon – and now it’s all worth while again?  What was wrong with Orange Juice?  What was wrong with Coffee?  Sure coffee has it’s drawbacks – but this is the solution?

In Japan there is 1 vending machine for every 23 people.  Thats 5.4 million vending machines.  In each machine there’s got to be at least 50 beverages, if not more like a hundred.  Not one of those beverages claims to provide you with your full intake of daily vitamins, and not one of them claims to energize you without that “redbull fog” (an awesome name for an indie band by the way).  What I’m saying here can’t possibly be true – but I can tell you, from experience, that I’ve been to a shit load of vending machines all over Tokyo, and I’ve never seen any drinks like this in them.  The drinks in those things claim to be “tasty”, they claim to make you “happy” because they taste good.

I don’t know what marketing genius convinced the American public that it’s better to drink your nutrients than eat them – but congratulations to them.  They now have a brand new baby boy named Stevia.

I could go on all day about the uselessness of this drink.  I really could.  But lets focus on the most important thing here:  IT TASTES LIKE SOMETHING THAT COMES OUT OF A SMURFS BUTT.

If I wanted this flavor in my mouth I would eat a strawberry shortcake doll.  All jokes aside, I would rather drink my own urine than taste this thing.

You know why?  Because lab rats can’t cook worth a shit.  Actually that’s not true – I do have a good friend who is a lab rat and she can cook her ass off.  But she does so with FOOD in a KITCHEN.  Not with chemicals in a lab – where all these stupid drinks are born.

At least Redbull is what it is.  You see someone pounding a redbull and it’s like a sign on their forehead.  “I know I’m an asshole.  I know it’s gross.  But I’m fucking tired, alright?”.  The industrial shiny metal punk rock can makes no attempt at fooling you into trusting it.  I’s a gross little drug that we can all take from time to time and feel appropriately guilty.

So.  To wrap it all up.  ACTIVE vitamin drink, with it’s special “hid in the lid” twisty cap function (you see it’s funny because it’s grammatically incorrect AND it rhymes) Sucks Balls.  It tastes like a slow death.  Even if it does contain 200% of your daily vitamins – that’s a bad thing – go eat healthy food – or take vitamins.  Anything.  just do not drink this thing.

I made this site for one reason:  to celebrate how awesome it is that we as humans have the ability to derive insane amounts of pleasure and satisfaction just by carrying out the most basic survival necessity – eating food.

Everything about this product works against that basic principle.

And it sucks fat balls.

ok bye.

Welcome back kids.  Hope you liked the last post.  If you did, and you were paying attention, you will remember me using a strange object.  This one.

If you watch TOP CHEF, you might remember this exact same piece of gear from season three.  Competing Chef Richard Blais surprised everyone on the show by using his “Little Electric Smoker” to make a “Smoked Mayonnaise”.  See – normally you smoke something by using a real smoker – a large barrel like contraption wherein large chunks of wood are wet and then heated to the point of giving off shit loads of smoke – A piece of meat is generally placed in said smoker and left to be cooked by the heat and smoke and when it comes out it tastes like orgasms and rainbows and you die a little inside when you eat it.   (this has been a very very simplified kindergardeners version of the process of smoking meat … a kindergardener who for some reason is talking about orgasms).  There are actually a number of other ways you can smoke things, but that is the standard.  What surprised the judges on the show was that he smoked a Mayonnaise which would typically be difficult to accomplish because of how you might place it in a smoker, or what would happen to it during the process.  It was certainly an accomplishment to have pulled it off the kitchen they were working with. Well he wowed them all with his “Little Electric Smoker” in which he would place a small wood chip, light it on fire, and then, with the press of a button, blow smoke through a tube into a container with whatever he wanted to smoke – Mayonnaise, Chocolate Sauce, Babies, whatever.

Chef Richard Blais - this is not his smoked Mayonnaise. I couldn't find a photo of him using the smoker

Everyone marveled at the contraption and wondered how it’s possible that they hadn’t heard of it before.  Now I’m sure that on the set of Top Chef, it was very clear to everyone exactly what they were dealing with and I’m sure they had a blast coming up with just what they would call it and deciding how much they could talk about it on screen, seeing as how we’re dealing with a national television show, with a god fearing blue collar american audience and morals to uphold.

Well friends – with hardly any audience at all, no fear in my heart, and absolutely no morals to uphold whatsoever – here at EATFREAK.ORG, we are prepared to give you the truth.

Little Electric Smoker My Ass.

Yes my friends, what we are dealing here is a freaking pipe for smoking stinky weed.  We are dealing with Grade A contraband.  What we have here is some god damn grass smoking hippie pot head paraphernalia – smoking the shit out of your mayonnaise.

So it’s understandable why they didn’t make a bigger deal about it on the show and tell their audiences how they can find and own their own Little Electric Smoker and make their own smoked condiments in the comfort of their own home ….  but I will.

So – All funny pot jokes aside – This thing pretty much freaking rules.  here’s what it is, broken down.

It’s basically a plastic smoking pipe with all the standard features.  It just has a tiny cheap fan attached to it from the bottom (like those tiny portable fans that people have been tricked into buying for decades now, thinking that it’s actually cooling them down for some ridiculous reason, while we watch them drip sweat from every corner of their body, desperately clinging to a fan fit for a mouse pushing less cool air towards them than if they were actually holding a mouse who was blowing on them)  yeah like one of those.  There is a small button on the side – press it and the fan turns on.  The process would generally go like this.  Put pipe to mouth – light bowl – push button – have shit loads of smoke forced down your throat.

So basically this is a smoking pipe for pot heads who hate to breath.  Yes, no longer do you damned hippies have to deal with that pesky “breathing” problem.  What a fucking bore!  Now we can all get stoned without having to use the basic bodily functions for survival.

Anyway – yeah – as far as it’s original use is concerned, I can’t say I understand the attraction – even to the stinkiest of pothead – but it hardly matters now.

As far as it’s uses in food are concerned – it’s really awesome.  I seriously recommend you go buy one.  That’s right – I want you to jog down to your local head shop (trust me, there’s one within five miles of your home)  walk in and ask the man behind the counter if you could see there best electric pipe.  It costs about $20 bucks.  I keep trying to get my Dad to give it to my brother and sisters for Christmas.  I just love the idea of them opening up a gift from their own father only to discover a Glorified Bong.  (actually it’s nothing like a bong, I know, but it sounded funnier that way).  I think it’s a very funny gift – and a very cool and useful thing in the kitchen.

It’s uses are amazing.  The concept is that you can basically infuse almost anything with a rich smokey flavor without the long and intense process of smoking.

The basic process is as follows:  You place whatever you want to smoke in a container that either has a tight lid or can fit a piece of plastic wrap over it (I prefer the second option, it gives you more control).  You lift the lid or wrap enough to put the mouth end of the pipe in.  Light the wood.  Keep the lighter going as you press the fan blowing.  Blow as much smoke as you possibly can in there.  Then, quickly remove the mouth piece and seal the lid or wrap, trapping the food and smoke in there.  Let it sit and infuse for as long as you can.

I mean, come on!!  It’s really fucking cool.

In my brief experience with the thing I’ve learned a few points of interest.  Firstly, it seems to work best with things of a higher fat content.  This is why Richard’s Mayo worked so well.  I’ve tried to smoke Mushrooms many times with it – and it worked (kinda) – but the smokey flavor is really really subtle (too subtle really).  But – just try this on for size.

Chuck a stick of butter in a large bowl and let it get all soft and gross.  squeeze in about a tablespoon of Honey (Do Not go overboard with the Honey).  Then shake a couple shakes of Cayenne pepper over it (Go overboard with the Cayenne).  Mash it all together with a fork or something.  Cover that baby up and blow a bunch of smoke it there – let it sit (try to use a subtler, softer, warmer wood flavor – not hickory, not mesquite.  in fact you can use Earl Grey Tea leaves – that would be awesome.  Break off a piece of a stick of Cinnamon and smoke that in there – are you starting to see the bigger picture here????).  Remove the lid, mix it around, mold the butter into whatever shape you want – a pistol, a monkey, Rob Lowe, anything.  refrigerate ‘til it’s solid again (it’ll never be totally solid again now because of the honey, but it’ll get close)  Spread that shit on some toast – and thank me later.

Also – it works best with small stuff like that butter.  It’s not really gonna smoke your steak for you.  I mean, it will, but it will be pretty subtle.  This contraption is cool  because it can smoke unusual things – and to be honest that’s what it is best for.  It does not under any circumstances replace an actual smoker.  But if you are without a smoker and want to try to infuse your stock, steak, turkey dinner, anything with a smokey flavor – you can.

There is no standard process for using the thing – and there are no classic recipes to use it with because it’s very new and also because the food professionals are all embarrassed to really explain and talk about it.  But it’s a really exciting piece of gear for that reason.  It’s really fun to think of new uses for it.  I’m working on some form of smoked ice cream flavor.  I haven’t done it yet, but I’m guessing a smoked Guacamole would be freaking incredible.

I can’t imagine the thing would still be good for it’s original use once you’ve cooked with it, seeing as how it will reek of hickory.  Or maybe it would – Have some smoke with your smoke.  But remember – stay away from that devils weed.  It’ll eat your babies and steal your women.  Next thing you know you’ll wake up at a dirty orgy with dreadlocks, an empty tub of Ben and Jerry’s sitting next to you, and Cheetoh dust all over your fingers.

Thanks for reading.  This has been The Eat Freak.  Blowing smoke up your ass.

goodbye forever ‘til next time.

P.S..  I forgot to mention.  on the show, Richard’s smoker broke, leaving them up a creek without so much as a dime-bag.  I’m guessing this happened for the same reason mine broke right after I got it.  Here’s the deal.  You must be careful with the wood chip you use, if it is flakey, or if you’ve loaded a bunch of small chips in there, or if your piece is just too small it will get sucked straight into the fan and kill everything.  It’s an easy enough fix.  You take the whole damn thing apart, remove the chip, put it back together, and you’re back in business.  Buzz Kill.   Ok, I’m really going now.

P.S.S.  ugh   LAME!!!!!!  So someone who watched Top Chef was evidently smart enough to decide to capitalize on the interest in the product.  They have patented, built, and are now selling their “Smoking Gun” at roughly 4 times the price.  I’m attaching a link to where you can buy it for those of you who don’t have the testicular fortitude to walk your ass into a bong shop and save $50 Bucks.

http://www.cuisinetechnology.com/thesmokinggun.html

No you hang up first …. no YOU!!