I am not jewish.  I married into a jewish family.  I didn’t convert or anything, but I still retain a sort of honorary jew status.  The most prominent piece of this status being that Chanukah has now been held at my house for two straight years – and it’s looking like it’s going to stay that way for a long time.  What that means for me is – Food Challenge – which suits me just fine.

I intend to enjoy fucking around with the Classic Chanukah meal, while attempting to maintain enough integrity as to not insult or disrespect tradition.  This year we had a full meal including some very classic pieces and some really really untraditional stuff.  This post will serve as the first piece in a series, delivering to you four courses of this years Chanukah meal titled – The Hand That Rocks The Dradle.

Part 1:  The Latke

As I said before – making Latkes blows balls.  I’d rather be a dead person than make them in the traditional way.  That said, they are a crucial part of the Chanukah meal.  I had to come up with a solution.  Latkes are little shredded potato pancake type thingies.  The idea is – you shred potatoes, mix them with some flavorful things like onions and herbs, bind them with some sort of bindy thing like eggs or whatever, then fry them in oil until they are awesome.  One batch yields like a dozen hand sized fried tasty things and years worth of misery and pain.  Potatoes, onions, eggs.  hm.  I’ve been making a Tortilla Espanola since I was 14 years old about 4 times a year.  A Tortilla Espanola or Tortilla De Papas is a fried potato pie type thing with onions and eggs that is sort of the “my dick is bigger than your dick” of the Tapas world.

Long story short – I decided to marry the two dishes and make a sort of Latke Espanola, or Latke Torta – whatever the hell you want to call it – it rules.

Make no  mistake – this is not an easy recipe.  There are parts of it that are quite difficult.  But nothing in this recipe compares to the raw frustration and pointless bullshit that comes with normal Latkes – and this is way way cooler.

2 Lbs. Yukon Gold Potatoes (4 – 6 depending on size)
1 onion  – chopped big
1 egg
4 (ish) scallions  – green parts chopped up
1 small fistful of italian parsley – chopped
Kosher Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper  – some
Oil for cooking – Vegetable would be traditional – Olive Oil would be rad (that’s wat I used)  Peanut Oil would be cool.   I’ve been having fun with Sunflower oil recently ….. so whatever.

Prep is key here – get your shit together before you dive in.  Get your food processor ready (or blender or whatever)  chop up the onions and stuff – do everything you can in advance.  That means if you’re actually gonna follow my recipe – read through once and gather all the gear – read through again and gather all the ingredients and prepare them for use.  Don’t overcook the tortilla while you’re rummaging around looking for another pan.  Ok – Here you go.

1.  Peel and Grate the Potatoes.  If you have a grater attachment on that food processor you can use that – I don’t so I didn’t.  Put half of the grates potatoes in the finest strainer you have – preferably a fine mesh sieve – over a large bowl.  Press a bit and start letting the liquid all fall into the bowl.

2.  Chuck the rest of the grated potato and the onion into the food processor.  Pulse like 5ish times for about 3 seconds each.  get it mushy, but not loose and too drippy.  Throw that mush in with the grated potatoes in the sieve.  Mix and press liquid out the bottom.  let sit for a bit.

3.  Now.  The stuff in the bowl will have separated into a starchy paste and a fine liquid.  carefully pour off the liquid and discard – keeping the paste.  Beat the egg into the paste.  Now mix in the Scallion and the Parsley.  Now mix in the potato mush.  Now give it some Salt and Pepper.  let that sit for a few minutes.

4.  Now it gets tricky.  If you have two equally sized nonstick pans, use those.  Or two cast iron skillets of the same size – but you better be in good freaking shape or it’ll get really difficult later.  If you don’t have two pans of the same size, use one, and have a plate and some dish towels ready that you aren’t afraid to fuck up.  heat about 1/8 to 1/4 inch of the oil in the pan.  when its hot, slide in the mixture and flatten it out evenly.  Season lightly with Salt and Pepper.  keep shake/spinning the pan every few minutes to stop it from sticking.

after about 3 – 5 minutes comes the hard part.  If you have the equal sized pans – heat the second pan over high heat on another burner for about a minute.  take the hot pans over to the sink.  Place the empty pan upside down over the hot one so you’ve made a little cave in there.  Now in one swift, smooth motion, flip them both over, so the tortilla flips into the second pan.  place pan no. 2 on the burner and keep going.   3 – 5 more minutes should do it.  after five minutes, flip again, if the crust seems a little blackened in places and has started to get a little gold in color – you’re good.  Every time you flip that puppy, season with Salt and Pepper.

If you don’t have that second pan ….  Take the tortilla pan over to he sink.  Lay a plate (larger than the pan) upside down on top of the pan.  Lay a towel on that.  Place your hand on top of the towel.  Now very quickly, but smoothly, and safely – flip the tortilla over onto the plate.  Then slide the tortilla back into the pan – back on the burner and keep going.

5.  Once it’s done – if you have a wire rack – flip it on to the rack and let it sit for 15 minutes – then flip it onto a plate for serving.  If no wire rack, just go straight to the plate, but let it sit for a bit.

OK.  so I know that last part with all the flipping is crazy.  I freaked out the first couple of times – but it’s not that hard really, and once you get it down you can totally impress everyone you know.  The most important thing is to be careful about the oil.  That’s what the towels are for.  If you drop a pan, drop the tortilla, break a plate – who gives a shit – but don’t burn the crap out of yourself with hot oil.  (you’ll notice I’m not using the towels in the picture – I’ve been doing this for 15 years – use the towels)

And there you have it!!  slice it up into thin wedges to serve.  Beautiful right?  Looks cooler than normal latkes.  You can control the consistency of awesome flavor more because you’re not dealing with a bunch of different little things cooking and different times and temperatures and resting for different times.  I pretty much think this recipe rules.  Great for leftovers – awesome breakfast – it’s just as good hot as it is cold.

For those of you who think this recipe is too much of a pain in the ass – think again.  See in my house, once you’ve don all that – you’ve gotta clean everything in the whole damn kitchen, and then do it again. I had 9 people this year – it took two of them to make everyone happy.  We had two slices left.  So one serves like 5 (ish).

Enjoy.  It’s really really tasty.  That’s part one.  Stay tuned for The Hand That Rocks The Dradle pt. 2.  Fried Chicken    (not exactly you’re grandma’s Chanukah offering)

ok bye

p.s.  yeah i know i totally disappeared for a while.  sorry.  my bad. ok i’m really going now.

It’s a family-wide epidemic.  We get it from my dad.  When I was in high school, my Mom might be having a health shake or a bowl of cereal, while my little sister and I could be found heating up bowls of last nights spaghetti at 7 am.

This recipe is one my Dad picked up in Spain when he was just a kid.  It sort of rides the line between breakfast and … kind of everything else.  So it satisfies the freaks like me and my sister – but also works for you normal people.

It’s super easy – and it’s a great leftovers thing.  although if you’re gonna use old bread, it shouldn’t be from more than just the night before.

1 tomato
2 slices of good bread
olive oil
Herbs – Italian Seasoning, or dried oregano, or dried basil – whatever you want really
Kosher Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper
(oh yeah – I use a lime sometimes to, but you don’t have too)

1. Put the bread in a toaster oven and toast it.  Or hold it over the open flame of your stove til it’s nice and brown.  Or toast it up with a little bit of Olive Oil in a pan.  whatever you want.

2.  heat a few tbs. of Olive Oil on high in a small pan.  While it’s getting hot, slice the tomato in half.  throw a few pinches of the herbs and salt and pepper in the oil.  Let it infuse there for about 30 seconds.  Then put the tomato halves in, flat side down.

3.  reduce the heat to medium high.  cook the tomatoes, moving them around a bit.  after about a minute, flip them over.  Season with a few pinches of all that stuff again.  After about another minute, flip them over again and remove the skin – it should be pretty much leaving of it’s own accord at this point anyway.  Season again a little.  Keep cooking – when the tomato halves are just about to start falling apart, remove form the heat.

4.  place the tomato halves on the toast.  pour some of the gross juicy good stuff from the pan over it.  this is when I might squeeze some lime over the whole thing.  Might also season a bit again.

NOW EAT IT.  It’s really good.

It helps if you destroy the tomato at this point and smush it all over the bread.

It’s a great breakfast – it’s a great lunch – it’s a great appetizer or side dish.

Tomatoes on Toast,  people!  GADZOOKS!

ok bye.

Every once in a while, my wife and I will do what we call a “wine and cheese” night.  It started out as a night wherein we’d get a nice bottle of wine and a few cheeses, accompanied by a few cornichons, a slice or two of a dry cured meat, some fresh fruit for dessert.  As the photos on this page might imply – it’s gotten a little out of control.

The concept here is basic.  Get a shit load of really fresh, really amazing ingredients – chuck it all in a bowl – enjoy a glass of wine or ten – get some good company around – and stuff your face.

This particular time (in the photo)  There’s some fresh mint and basil, some spanish olives, cornichons, Heirloom Tomatoes, some capicolla, a nice sliced chorizo (really cool wrapped in stinky fresh mint), Some Burrata, some tiny sweet peppers.  I’m probably missing some stuff – but it’s not the point.  The point is to find whatever is really fresh that day, whatever you want.  I really enjoyed getting a bite of Heirloom Tomato with Pepperoncini wrapped in Basil, personally.

If you’ve got a farmers market near you on Sundays, you should be going to it.  I’ll get more into that later, but you really should.  That Sunday is a good opportunity to do this.  You get all kinds of fresh shit to use throughout the week, but first, that night, take a bit of each thing you got, chuck it in a huge platter and do this.

I spend a lot of time obsessing over wanting new flavors, wanting to cook something really fucked up good and different.  It’s really good for me to relax and just enjoy some super tasty stuff that’s as simple as is humanly possible.  no cooking, no nothing.

Oh yeah – dessert.  As you can see, we just threw some fresh strawberries and a hunk of brie in a bowl.  That’s my idea of dessert.  That’s the kind of dessert I want to whisper dirty things to.

So There.  Go Forth.  Eat Good Food!  Do It Now!!

ok bye.

p.s.  I’m hoping I don’t have to mention the obvious health factor here.

p.s.s.  throw in a really good baguette with some good quality olive oil to dip it in and you can probably not worry about anything else again for the rest of your life.

i’m hanging up now.

I love fries so much that I forced my wife to put a deep fryer on our wedding registry.  Some brilliant and understanding friend purchased it for us, and Boom!  Deep frier.  The day it arrived I started my battle to make the perfect french fry.  A battle I am losing, my friends.  Losing really really bad.  French fries obviously don’t love me anywhere near as much as I love them – otherwise they would never hurt me like this.

Making the classic french fry is a crazy long ridiculous drawn out heartbreaking process of blanching and reblanching and doing all this crazy shit, and if you slightly fuck up one section you’ll know what shoelaces taste like.  I know what shoelaces taste like.

A couple of days ago, I caved, and started putting together a recipe for an Oven Fry – that could satisfy my Fry urges until I perfect the real thing.  There are foodies out there who would have me killed for this.  The general consensus is that the baked oven fry could never ever replace the deep fried french fry.  No one’s talking about replacing here – but there’s no reason in the world you can’t make a good oven fry.  And after a little trial and error – I made a fucked up good oven fry.

It’s super easy.  It’s super tasty.  It’s super cheap.  It’s healthier than french fries.  If you don’t make this that means you don’t even like fries – and that means you are a horrible person.

So at the risk of everyone knowing that you are a horrible person – do this.

4 (ish) potatoes
Peanut Oil – some.  it’s mostly eyeballed
Kosher Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper
other seasonings – whatever you want – I recommend a little curry powder

1.  Cut your fries.  Try to make them as even as is humanly possible.  We want perfect little potato clones – this way they will cook more evenly and you’ll avoid eating one kick ass fry and then one puke ass fry.  You can remove the skin or not – I didn’t.

2.  Throw the cut fries in a bowl of cold water.  Should stay there about 30 minutes.  I have to start preheating my oven to 475 at this point because my oven takes 7 business days to heat up – maybe you don’t have to start this early.

3.  Remove the fries from the water and do anything in your power to dry them.  Careful not to break them, but get that fucking water out of there.  Once they’re dry, toss them in  a bowl.  Drizzle some peanut oil over them, just enough to lightly coat.  Then chuck in Salt, Pepper, and seasoning (I threw some Lawry’s salt on mine).  Toss it all around til all that stuff gets all over the place.

4.  Pour some Peanut Oil into a baking pan.  Pour in just enough to line the pan.  Now chuck the fries in there.  Spread them out as evenly as you can in one layer.  Sprinkle a bit more Salt, Pepper, and stuff over them.  Cover tightly with Tin Foil.

5.  Chuck it in the oven.  5 minutes.

6.  Remove the Tin Foil – Back in the oven 10 minutes.

7.  Rotate the pan – back in for another 10 minutes.

8.  Do your best to flip all of the fries over – back in for another 10 minutes.

9.  rotate the pan – back in again for yet another freaking 10 minutes.

10.  get ‘em out of there.  Line a big bowl with paper towels.  Throw the fries in there – dry off the fries as much as is humanly possible with those paper towels.  remove the paper towel.  throw yet another little shake of seasoning stuff on there.  NOW EAT DAMNIT!!

Watch the fries near the end after you’ve flipped them over – if they look like they are starting to really get golden – speed up the process and get them out of the oven early.  Overdone fries are gross.

ok so check this out.

put ketchup in a small container. (preferably organic ketchup.  All ketchups are made in Chem. Labs, but at least the organic ones don’t use the ten thousand chemicals that go in the other ones.  they taste great too)  like 2 tablespoons.  stir in 1 teaspoon of Madras Curry Powder (just go buy it, you can get a tub the size of Texas for like a buck).  Now eat that.  So stupid simple, and So fucking good.

alright.  fries and  ketchup.  but awesome.

ok bye.

I’m not a mixed drink guy.  I’m a Californian, so I’m pretty sure I can get arrested if I don’t enjoy a Margarita now and then.  I’m also partial to a good Bloody Mary.  But other than that it’s very very rare that I have a mixed drink.

This game got me thinking …. what is my favorite mixed drink?  This is what I came up with.

The Black Velvet.

I’m generally surprised to find how many people aren’t familiar with The Black Velvet.  For those of you reading – A Black Velvet is what happens when you combine Beer and Hard Cider in a glass while not allowing them to mix (much like a black and tan).  More specifically when you combine a Dark Stout with a British Draft Cider.  And if you want to get traditional – The Classic Black Velvet occurs when you combine equal parts Guinness Imperial Stout and Strongbow “England’s Dry Cider”.

A brief word on both of these beverages before we get going – as I have been ridiculed for my love of both.

Guinness.  No – it is not a meal in a drink.  I don’t care if you are used to spouting that useless cliche.  Knock it off.  Guinness is lighter than Pabst for shit sake.  The whole point of this drink it that the Guinness literally floats on top of the Cider.  It’s also not a Strong Beer.  It’s dark because the barley is roasted before fermentation – the roasting burns off much of the sugar in the barley – it’s that sugar that makes beer heavy and fatty, and it’s that sugar that turns into alcohol.  Guinness is a light beer in all respects.  It has a different, bitter taste compared to the squirrely crap most people drink in America.  Allow yourself to enjoy something different.  Guinness is a great drink.

Now Cider.  I have been mocked in all corners of the world for drinking Cider.  Some dude with a Heineken will treat me like a pansy for having a Strongbow.  When did apples become “pansy”?  There are flowers in Heineken.  Hops.  Hops are flowers – pretty ones – like pansies.  I’ve said it before on this blog.  Cider is a complex and awesome drink that is completely underrated.  There are higher end Ciders that aren’t sweet at all and make that Heineken taste like a jolly rancher.  Strongbow is a nice halfway point – Sweet and Hearty.  Awesome.  Drink it.  It’s rad.

Better yet – Enjoy them both – Together – Like this!!

1 Can of Guinness
1 Can of Strongbow
1 Pint Glass

1.  Get your Strongbow and pour it into the Pint glass until said pint glass is half full.  Pour it along the side of the glass slowly to avoid a big head.  Remember those tricky pint glasses get wider at the top – so half full goes a lot higher up on the glass than you think..

2.  here’s the tricky part.  people usually tell you to do this you need to bend a spoon and use it.  Well, there’s no need to bend a spoon – but you will be using one.  I recommend pouring the Guinness into a measuring cup.  You don’t have to – but an important thing in this process is accuracy, and it’s easier to do so with a proper pouring vessel instead of a metal can.  Stick the spoon halfway down the glass til it rests just above the Cider, and lean it up agains the glass wall.

3.  Now, slowly, pour the Guinness out of the measuring cup and directly onto the spoon.  Keep pouring, slowly, and raising the spoon as the liquid rises.  When the glass is full – you’re done.

Now Drink Up!!  If you did this right – Your first few sips will be straight Guinness, bitter and hearty – The main stay of your drink will be an awesome combination of the Biting Cider and the Dark Guinness – Then you’ll finish up with a few sips of Sweet Undisturbed Cider.

It’s fun.  It’s great for St. Patty’s Day.  It goes real good with any Irish or British meal you might make.  Shepherds Pie, Corned Beef and Cabbage, Fish and Chips.

There’s a dumb game.  What’s your favorite color?  What’s your favorite mixed drink?  Put those together and that’s your Superhero name.

I am The Grey Black Velvet.

Who the hell are you?

ok bye.

My wife is a vegetarian … kind of.  So there’s not a lot of meat flying around the house generally.  Every once in a while she has to leave town for a few days for work – At which point I cheat on her with various meat dishes.  The last time this happened was about a month ago.  She left late in the day, leaving me little time to prepare for my first carnivorous rage.  I had to do something simple.  So I made up this recipe.  I’ll go ahead and say it’s still a work in progress – but it’s more the IDEA that we’re going for here.  It’s one of those recipes you can really screw around with and add things depending on what kind of leftovers or other things you happen to have lying around at the time.

About the Lamb.  You don’t want to get Lamb that has too much fat on it.  It’s not like Steak.  That fat usually makes it taste a bit gamey.  Whatever fat is there (there will be some) try to cut off as much as you can.

I know some people who have a rule about not eating babies.  If you have that rule – don’t eat this – it’s babies.  Actually you could totally make this thing with beef stew meat as well.  I like the way Lamb rests in the mix of stuff there, but Beef would be awesome.  Actually a really cool substitute would be Rabbit.  But I’m guessing if you don’t eat baby, you don’t eat bunny.  Anyway ….

Here’s the deal.

1 lbs.  Lamb   -    any kind, (legs can be really fatty and full of problems though)  cut up into 2(ish) inch pieces
1 Large Onion (or two small ones) -  Chopped
2 Carrots – Peeled and Chopped
2 Celery Stalks – Chopped
1 large can of diced tomatoes in their juice
red wine – like 2 glasses
dried herbs chopped up – whatever you want, some rosemary, oregano, dried basil, marjoram, bay leaf – you can go ahead and used the stuff in jars.
Kosher Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper
(maybe crushed red pepper flakes)

*I’ll get into this more later – but all these pictures of all the stuff all put together before cooked is not just for looks.  PREP YOUR FOOD!!  If you get a good system for prep – chopping up vegetables before you cook – measuring out measurables before you cook – open up cans that need opening before you cook (depending on how long it will  be before that stuff goes in) – prepping meat before you cook (seasoning, etc.) …. if you do this right, even the hardest recipes in the world are hardly any work at all.  so ….

1.  Toss the meat in a glug of Olive Oil, some Salt and Pepper – as always, do not skimp.  Most people don’t believe how much Salt is supposed to be used to make their meat taste good – but trust me – if you accidentally over-salt it, it’ll be a miracle.  So – do that.  Heat a med/large saucepan over high heat with a bit of olive oil in it (not too much).  Chuck the meat in and brown it.  If stuff sticks to the pan, leave it there.  This will just take a few minutes when it’s brown, hopefully has a few burn marks, you’re done.  remove the meat from the pan.

2.  Add a little more olive oil and bring it up to heat.  throw in those dried herbs and a few pinches of crushed red chili flakes if you want it to have some kick.  Let that stuff infuse for about 30 second.

3.  Add onion.  Stir frequently.  Let it get translucent.  2 minutes.  Add celery.  same thing, maybe 2 more minutes.  Add Carrot..again….2 more minutes …. keep stirring stuff a bit.  Put the Meat back in.  Basically every time you add something, let it cook in there for a few minutes with everything else and get cozy.  Season it a bit from time to time as well.  Next throw in the can of tomatoes.  Stir a bit, but let that come up to a boiling point – When it does, throw in the red wine.  Stir it up a bit.  reduce to Simmer.

4. Cover and cook on really low heat for roughly 2 hours.  You might want to remove the lid near the end for a while to reduce some of the liquid and make it all thick and gross and awesome.  When it looks like you want it to look – SERVE AND EAT!!!!

This is really really really good when it’s super freaking hot – so you might even want to heat your bowls before you dish the stuff in.  It’s a kick ass hot tasty dish for when the weather gets cold.

So.  About the wine.  Don’t get cheap ass gross stupid wine.  If a recipe called for milk, you would use dried powder coffee creamer would you?  If it called for cheese you wouldn’t raid a lunchables pack for some gross processed crap, would you?  There are some fantastic wines that you can get for under ten dollars – so get them.  And don’t start with me on the 2 Buck Chuck thing.  If it’s all you can afford – that’s one thing – fine, you do what you gotta do.  But don’t look me in the eyes and tell me that you like Charles Shaw.  This is something I’ve gotten a number of times.  Look – it’s not actually a subjective matter.  If you like the way good things taste, you can’t like Charles Shaw.  Shaw sucks balls – and that’s the end of it.  If you have to get it for one reason or another – OK.  But do not convince yourself that you like it, you’re slowing down human progress for the rest of us.

I enjoyed my stew with a glass of a table wine from Novella called Synergy.  I paid 7 bucks for it.  It was alright – my mind was not blown – But it was a nice compliment to the meal.  I also had a sourdough demi-baguette from La Brea Bakery which I smothered in butter and shoved in my face drenched in stew, like an animal.  (I read somewhere that animals like a lot of butter on their bread)

This is a nice simple inexpensive stew.  It’s really satisfying to make, super comforting to eat.  It makes your house  smell awesome. (what the hell – i don’t know why this is happening to random paragraphs – i’ll try to fix it)

The first time I ate this stew – I watched a film called “Romance and Cigarettes” while I shoved steaming hot goodness down my throat.  I love this film.  It’s directed by John Turturro.  It’s really weird, and I expect most people would not like it very much at all.  I’ll  be surprised if you do.  But I liked it a lot and it went well with the stew.

Ha – I just remembered – the next night, I had Stew left-overs and I watched “Purple Rain”.  Wow.  Not a great pairing of food/movie – But such a freaking incredible film to watch!!

While I cooked the stew you see in the pictures I was listening to “March of The Zapotec & Realpeople – Holland”  by BEIRUT.  It’s a cool album that’s really a combo of two EPs.  Good fall cooking music.

Alright, people.  That’s all.  Go cook food.  Find people you like and put said food in their faces.  Enjoy yourselves.

ok bye.

Usually when I serve a salad with this dressing to people, they say “tell me you didn’t make this dressing from scratch”.  Seriously.  But the fact is, it’s easier to make the dressing than the salad itself.  Its stupid as hell how easy this is.

There is absolutely no reason ever to buy the cheap ass god awful disgusting excuses for salad dressing they throw into those plastic bottles at the supermarket.  None.  Ok maybe not “none”.  I’ve been known to practically chug a full bottle of Annie’s Goddess Dressing.  And don’t think I haven’t tried to come up with a home recipe for that one as well – but it’s a serious pain in the ass and not worth the trouble.  SO yeah – that’s the only bottled dressing worth buying EVER.

Make your own salad dressing people – start with this one.

1 Lemon – just the juice
Olive Oil – Match the quantity of Lemon Juice
Garlic – 1 large clove pressed
Kosher Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper –

1.  combine all that stuff, stir frequently with a fork while letting it sit for at least 10 minutes.  chuck it in your salad – toss and serve.

See?  Stupid easy.

So – it’s not exactly as simple as that.  What makes this dressing insanely good is massaging those portions ‘til it tastes perfect.

You can alter how much you make as much as you want.  But basically you should have roughly the same amount of Olive Oil as Lemon juice.  Roughly one large garlic clove per lemon.  And Salt and Pepper to taste – be a little bit heavy handed with both.

Once you start mixing those things, keep tasting it as you go.  If you need more Lemon or Olive Oil – go for it.  It should be noticeably citrusy.  If you don’t get a decent taste of lemon, add more.  Too much garlic can really kill this one – I’d stay on the safe wide with the garlic – don’t add more than one large clove unless you really aren’t tasting it (and let it sit before you make that decision – the garlic taste will get more intense as it sits and soaks).

The way I’ve described it here makes it seem even harder than it really is.  It takes four seconds to make this dressing – it’s super fresh and really awesome. Make this dressing.

sometimes the wife and I won’t even mix it – and often we’ll leave out the garlic (depending on the salad).  We’ll just put the salad together, drizzle olive oil over the top, squeeze a lemon over the whole thing, chuck some salt and pepper in there – toss and serve.

If you find yourself at a Salad Bar somewhere – remember this dressing.  Do not scoop that thick gelatinous fecal dressing out of one of those surgical plastic tubs and plop it all over your plate.  They always have Olive Oil – They always have Lemon Wedges – They always have salt and pepper.  Do the math.

Remember the Dirty Mash potatoes from a few days ago?  Pick the leaves from the remaining Italian parsley.  Rinse and Dry them.  Toss with a little of this dressing and serve – straight up – no other ingredients.  It’s as simple as it gets, and it’s really awesome.

ok bye

I’m not entirely sure – but I think my family made this one up.  Or – I don’t know.  If that’s not true I have no idea where it came from – I just remember we started making it at some point and it’s definitely become a staple.

This is one I used to teach all my friends in college a couple thousand years ago because the only “cooking” that goes down is boiling water for pasta.  A number of my friends used to successfully pull off making this dish in freaking dorm rooms .  So if you find it hard to make – that kinda means you’re retarded.

Again – it’s a pretty different dish.  If you’re a boring eater you will probably not like it – and also I hate you.  It’s not a dish for the closed minded eater.  But I don’t think anyone could ever support the opinion that it’s not really awesome.  So fuck it.  It’s good food.  make it.

Here’s what you need.

1 large (32 oz.) tub of Plain Yogurt   -  yeah get some greek or european style if you want – that will be cool.  for this one I just used plain old bullshit american plain yogurt.  it works great.
1 Large cucumber – peeled
3 Garlic Cloves – Pressed …  I believe in dicing and not using a Garlic press for the most part – but there are some dishes I think the press is better for – this is one of them.
1 Large Fistful of Dill – chopped up pretty small
Olive Oil …. some …  like a couple shots or so
Kosher Salt
Perciatelli Pasta – a box
Kalamata Olives – pitted …. some
Cherry Tomatoes … or whatever cute name they are giving tiny red tomatoes of varying shapes and origins at your supermarket this week ….

Here’s what you do.

1.  You’re gonna grate that Cucumber into a strainer or colander of some sort.  Use the very basic, standard, shredded cheese size.  Once you’ve shredded the whole thing in there – you are gonna salt the crap out of it.  Salt it once, big time – Shake it around – Salt it again.  Let it sit for like 15 minutes – salt it and shake it around again.  We are getting rid of as much moisture as possible.

2.  while the cucumber is draining, combine the Yogurt, Dill, Garlic, a few shots of Olive Oil in a large bowl and stir.

3.  After to Cucumber has dried for about 20 or more minutes, chuck it in the bowl and mix all together.   Let that sit in the fridge for at least 30 minutes.  You might need a bit more olive oil or a shake or three of kosher salt.  Make sure you didn’t skimp on the Dill too.  (I have no idea why this paragraph looks like this – I can’t get it to work)

There’s your Tzatziki.  Boom!! Step 3 is done and you already have one dish.

4.  Now, bring a big ass pot of water to a boil.  Chuck in your Perciatelli and cook until done.

5.  Strain the pasta.  Chuck a heap of the noodles on a plate or on whatever you want to eat off of.  Dump a heaping pile of Tzatziki over it.  Now drop a few of the Kalamata olives on there.  You can cut the cherry tomatoes in half if you want, or you could not cut the tomatoes in half, or you could not not cut the tomatoes in half – whatever you want – throw some of those on there too.

NOW EAT!!  It’s soo easy, it’s completely stupid.

Leftovers are the shit!  Get some pita bread, warm it up, dip it in the leftover Tzatziki.  Dip whatever you want in there actually.

So – warning – it’s kind of a really really garlicy dish.  I wouldn’t make it for someone you’re hoping to make out with.  I mean I could get into the idea of making out with someone with super garlicy breath – but I’m a really weird dude with a serious food obsession (read:  problem) – Just be warned.  I love garlic.  This is one of those dishes that, no matter how you wash or shower, your finger tips will smell like garlic for like 2 days.  Yes, there are totally ways to get rid of the garlic smell from your fingers.  But why the hell would you want to do that?  I guess the point is – you can hold back a bit on the garlic if you don’t want it to be crazy – but don’t hold back too much because the soaking of the garlic in all that stuff really plays into the overall flavor – maybe cut back to two cloves (i still think it just won’t be as good, but try it) Garlic is super good for you in a lot of ways – so O.D.ing on it every once in a while is good.

Have an open mind when you eat it.  It’s unexpected, but it’s really good and refreshing and different.  It’s a great summer pasta.  Did I mention it’s like the easiest thing to make in the whole freaking world?

ok bye.

She is my wife.  We’ve been together for almost 7 years and been married for 2.  She’s the first person I’m profiling on this website, and you’re gonna have to settle for an incomplete one because, as far as food is concerned, there’s a shit load to talk about with this woman.  So we’re gonna take it piece at a time.

I suppose this is as good a time as any to reveal to you that I pretty much have absolutely no sweet tooth whatsoever.  I love sweet stuff.  I love cake.  I love ice cream.  I love candy and whatnot.  I just don’t differentiate between Savory and Sweet really.  I guess that’s kind of Bullshit.  I do actually prefer savory.  I’m not the kind of guy who snacks on sweet stuff throughout the day.  I’m not the kind of guy who absolutely has to have dessert every day.  It’s weird to me that after eating a huge awesome meal, someone feels the need to then go and eat something else.  If I still have room in my stomach I’ll keep eating dinner.  I stop when I’m full.  Why would I then eat something else.

For this reason I have very few dessert recipes.  I’m kind of thinking I might have none at all.

My wife Jessica is the dead opposite of me in this respect.  If the sun came up today, she’s gonna have dessert tonight. A few days ago a friend described eating dinner without following it up with dessert as “ … it’s like taking a shit and not wiping”.  Jessica would, doubtless, concur.

When Jessica and I first started dating she had a set of basic pots and pans that her grandmother had given her a few years before.  They were spotless and completely unused.  When I came over to cook her dinner in her apartment’s tiny kitchen she seemed shocked to see that anything worked in there.  Times have changed – Dramatically.  As I said before, I have no sweet tooth, I do not crave dessert or treats.  But sweet or not – this woman makes a dessert worth slaughtering whole villages for.

So, for this reason, Jessica will be handling the Dessert recipes for this website.

Today she has chosen to teach you the ways of the Salted Caramel Sauce – for use with ice cream, apples, fingers, anything.  If you put it on a baby, I’ll eat the baby.  For his birthday this year, our good friend (and guitarist in my band The Californian) Darren received, from his thoughtful sister Stacey, a batch of this sauce (along with another ridiculous Jessica desert sauce) which she made from the recipe I’m about to give you.  I was present to see Darren for the next week or so making almost constant pilgrimages to the refrigerator to dip his finger in the sauce and lap up caramel goodness about 6 or 7 times, before returning to the real world.  It’s gross how good it is.

It’s not that hard a recipe, but you NEED TO FOLLOW IT EXACTLY.  if you don’t, you’ll be crazy disappointed and have a lot of really gross fucked up cleaning to do.  So – without further ado.

Jessica’s Salty Caramel Sauce

2 c.  sugar – basic refined sugar
1 c.  heavy cream
2 tsp.  salt  -  use sea salt.  just go buy it if you don’t have it – keep it around, it’s such a cool thing to use in so many places
2 tbs.  Butter   -  cold
1 c.  Water

So.

1.  pour the water in a 2 quart heavy bottomed saucepan.

2.  Pour the sugar directly into the center of the pan.  DON’T TOUCH IT!!  Leave it there damnit.  just like the pretty picture below.  leave a little mountain of sugar there.

3.  cover and bring it to a boil.  When it reaches a boil, remove the lid.  STILL DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH IT – DO NOT STIR AT ALL EVER UNTIL I FREAKING SAY SO!!  Let it boil on high for about 15 minutes – until it’s thick.

4.  Once it’s thick (after about 15 minutes) reduce the heat to medium and cook it there until it turns a nice dark amber – roughly 5 minutes.

5.  Somewhere during all that NOT TOUCHING and boiling – combine the cream and salt in a small sauce pan and bring it to a simmer.  If it simmers before the other stuff is done, cover to keep it warm.  Yes, you may stir the cream and salt mixture, happy now?

6.  So – Remove the boiling syrupy stuff from the heat.  Now Very Slowly pour 1/4 of the salty cream into it – DO I HAVE TO REMIND YOU NOT TO STIR THIS YET????  wait a second until the bubbling stops, then slowly add the rest of the cream.

7.  Alright who’s ready for it??  NOw my friends, now you whisk – yes with a whisk, not a spoon.  You are going to whisk in the butter until it’s all melted in there and the sauce is creamy and thick and awesome.

Now.  After following those basic 7 steps – with what you have there in that saucepan, you can pretty much get almost anyone to do almost anything you want them to at all in the world.  Let it cool a bit before you serve it.  If you serve after a few minutes, it’s a mind altering drippy amber orgasmic explosion.  If you refrigerate it and go for it day two, it becomes an extremely thick godlike paste of goodness.  Either way, you’re doing just fine.

Last night Jessica enjoyed it with some ice cream.  Tonight I’ll be pouring it over baked apples.  oh yeah i forgot – after day one if you want it to be all drippy and awesome again, just a little microwave time and it’s good as new.

I hope you enjoyed your first cooking experience with my wife.  I enjoy cooking with her very much.  She has an unbelievable innate understanding of flavor combinations, a sophisticated palette, and an infectious passion for Freshness in food – but she could hardly give a cold shit about any of those things anywhere near as much as she does a good treat.  Seriously – this stuff is like crack.  make it.  eat it.  eat it a lot.

ok bye.

It works all year round.  It’s an amazing substitute to boring usual potato dishes.  It’s great hot OR cold.  It’s the shit.  So here you have it.

1 lb.  Fingerling potatoes – the skin’s not going anywhere
1 lemon – just the juice
Italian Parsley – about a fistful of leaves
Olive Oil – um.  some.  I don’t know, like 1/4 cup – probably less.
Kosher Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper

SO!   Let’s do it!

1.  Rinse the potatoes.  Then Steam them.  Do that however you want I guess.  I could have just left them in the colander and stuck that in a pot of shallow water – but  didn’t.  I used one of my favorite little weird robots – this guy.

I don’t know why, but since I was very very young I’ve always loved this stupid little thing.  It looks like a dumb little robot.  Anyway, if you’ve never used one – it opens up into a basket, which you place in a pot – fill water till it doesn’t quite rise above the basket – bring the water to a boil – put your steam-able stuff in the basket – cover and steam.  boom.  that’s what I did.

It took about 20 (ish) minutes til they were done.  When you poke them with a fork, the fork needs to meet little to no resistance.

2.  Put the Potatoes and everything else in a big bowl.  about the Olive Oil – I don’t know if it’s 1/4 cup.  you just drizzle it over everything ‘til it’s coated.  Not so much that it’s soggy and gross – but if you don’t do enough it can be a really dry dish.

3.  Mash everything with a masher.  If you don’t have a masher use a big fork, or two.  Use anything really – just mash the crap out of it  Don’t use anything electric to mash this up, it’s not meant to be smooth and pretty.  It’s meant to look fucked up and dirty.

4.  Stir it up a bit, serve, and EAT!!!!!!!!!!

So.  That portion right there is enough for a side dish for two people.  If you want to make more, it’s easy.  It’s really an eyeball sort of dish.  Do as much potatoes as you want and keep eyeballing stuff til it looks like it’s supposed to.  When it looks right, it’ll taste right.  except the lemon part – don’t skimp on that.

When I think of Meat and Potatoes – this is the potatoes part.  It’s freaking amazing served with a Steak.  Serve it cold with a fish dish in the summer.  It’s dirty and easy, but it has the ability to look really elegant and awesome on a plate. The whole thing takes tops 30 minutes to make happen, most of which is the steaming which is no work at all.  It’s dumb not to make this dish.  Unless you don’t like it – which means you’re the dumb one.

ok bye.

P.S.  Do I have to mention how cheap this dish is to make?  If you don’t have Salt, Pepper, and Olive Oil in your home, I have absolutely no idea what you are doing reading this blog in the first place – which means all you’re buying is a lemon, a bunch of Italian parsley, and a pound of fingerling potatoes.  It’s a joke.  I mean it – good bye.