She is my wife.  We’ve been together for almost 7 years and been married for 2.  She’s the first person I’m profiling on this website, and you’re gonna have to settle for an incomplete one because, as far as food is concerned, there’s a shit load to talk about with this woman.  So we’re gonna take it piece at a time.

I suppose this is as good a time as any to reveal to you that I pretty much have absolutely no sweet tooth whatsoever.  I love sweet stuff.  I love cake.  I love ice cream.  I love candy and whatnot.  I just don’t differentiate between Savory and Sweet really.  I guess that’s kind of Bullshit.  I do actually prefer savory.  I’m not the kind of guy who snacks on sweet stuff throughout the day.  I’m not the kind of guy who absolutely has to have dessert every day.  It’s weird to me that after eating a huge awesome meal, someone feels the need to then go and eat something else.  If I still have room in my stomach I’ll keep eating dinner.  I stop when I’m full.  Why would I then eat something else.

For this reason I have very few dessert recipes.  I’m kind of thinking I might have none at all.

My wife Jessica is the dead opposite of me in this respect.  If the sun came up today, she’s gonna have dessert tonight. A few days ago a friend described eating dinner without following it up with dessert as “ … it’s like taking a shit and not wiping”.  Jessica would, doubtless, concur.

When Jessica and I first started dating she had a set of basic pots and pans that her grandmother had given her a few years before.  They were spotless and completely unused.  When I came over to cook her dinner in her apartment’s tiny kitchen she seemed shocked to see that anything worked in there.  Times have changed – Dramatically.  As I said before, I have no sweet tooth, I do not crave dessert or treats.  But sweet or not – this woman makes a dessert worth slaughtering whole villages for.

So, for this reason, Jessica will be handling the Dessert recipes for this website.

Today she has chosen to teach you the ways of the Salted Caramel Sauce – for use with ice cream, apples, fingers, anything.  If you put it on a baby, I’ll eat the baby.  For his birthday this year, our good friend (and guitarist in my band The Californian) Darren received, from his thoughtful sister Stacey, a batch of this sauce (along with another ridiculous Jessica desert sauce) which she made from the recipe I’m about to give you.  I was present to see Darren for the next week or so making almost constant pilgrimages to the refrigerator to dip his finger in the sauce and lap up caramel goodness about 6 or 7 times, before returning to the real world.  It’s gross how good it is.

It’s not that hard a recipe, but you NEED TO FOLLOW IT EXACTLY.  if you don’t, you’ll be crazy disappointed and have a lot of really gross fucked up cleaning to do.  So – without further ado.

Jessica’s Salty Caramel Sauce

2 c.  sugar – basic refined sugar
1 c.  heavy cream
2 tsp.  salt  -  use sea salt.  just go buy it if you don’t have it – keep it around, it’s such a cool thing to use in so many places
2 tbs.  Butter   -  cold
1 c.  Water

So.

1.  pour the water in a 2 quart heavy bottomed saucepan.

2.  Pour the sugar directly into the center of the pan.  DON’T TOUCH IT!!  Leave it there damnit.  just like the pretty picture below.  leave a little mountain of sugar there.

3.  cover and bring it to a boil.  When it reaches a boil, remove the lid.  STILL DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH IT – DO NOT STIR AT ALL EVER UNTIL I FREAKING SAY SO!!  Let it boil on high for about 15 minutes – until it’s thick.

4.  Once it’s thick (after about 15 minutes) reduce the heat to medium and cook it there until it turns a nice dark amber – roughly 5 minutes.

5.  Somewhere during all that NOT TOUCHING and boiling – combine the cream and salt in a small sauce pan and bring it to a simmer.  If it simmers before the other stuff is done, cover to keep it warm.  Yes, you may stir the cream and salt mixture, happy now?

6.  So – Remove the boiling syrupy stuff from the heat.  Now Very Slowly pour 1/4 of the salty cream into it – DO I HAVE TO REMIND YOU NOT TO STIR THIS YET????  wait a second until the bubbling stops, then slowly add the rest of the cream.

7.  Alright who’s ready for it??  NOw my friends, now you whisk – yes with a whisk, not a spoon.  You are going to whisk in the butter until it’s all melted in there and the sauce is creamy and thick and awesome.

Now.  After following those basic 7 steps – with what you have there in that saucepan, you can pretty much get almost anyone to do almost anything you want them to at all in the world.  Let it cool a bit before you serve it.  If you serve after a few minutes, it’s a mind altering drippy amber orgasmic explosion.  If you refrigerate it and go for it day two, it becomes an extremely thick godlike paste of goodness.  Either way, you’re doing just fine.

Last night Jessica enjoyed it with some ice cream.  Tonight I’ll be pouring it over baked apples.  oh yeah i forgot – after day one if you want it to be all drippy and awesome again, just a little microwave time and it’s good as new.

I hope you enjoyed your first cooking experience with my wife.  I enjoy cooking with her very much.  She has an unbelievable innate understanding of flavor combinations, a sophisticated palette, and an infectious passion for Freshness in food – but she could hardly give a cold shit about any of those things anywhere near as much as she does a good treat.  Seriously – this stuff is like crack.  make it.  eat it.  eat it a lot.

ok bye.