EATFREAK

I went hiking with a friend recently.  As we arrived at our hiking destination we realized we had forgotten to bring water and it was over 90 degrees.  Luckily for us, they were handing out free water at the head of the hiking trail as a promotion for a new product. You see, this wasn’t just any water – this was super special idiot water.

See if you can follow me ….  It’s just normal water.  You can twist the cap one way, and drink straight up water.  But if you turn the cap another way, it drops healthy vitamins, energizing chemicals, artificial coloring,  and tasty flavory stuff in there – taking it WAY beyond the realm of “water” and deep into the realm of really fucking lame.

Gone are the days, my friends, of sneaky beverage companies combining ingredients before you buy the product.  NO!  Now, we are finally free to decide if we want plain water or some saccharin substitute AFTER we purchase it.

It says it’s sweetened by “Stevia” – which I would seriously consider as a drag name if given the opportunity.  Only my drag queen alter ego would never be caught dead sweetening the likes of this lame ass drink.

I’ll never understand the flood of “nutritional” or “energy” drink products drowning this country.  Were we so bad off, people?  Could you just not fucking get up in the morning?  Were those weekend jogs just beating the crap out of you – but now that you can drink some artificial chemical cocktail that tastes like a pile of fake fruit made out with a cartoon – and now it’s all worth while again?  What was wrong with Orange Juice?  What was wrong with Coffee?  Sure coffee has it’s drawbacks – but this is the solution?

In Japan there is 1 vending machine for every 23 people.  Thats 5.4 million vending machines.  In each machine there’s got to be at least 50 beverages, if not more like a hundred.  Not one of those beverages claims to provide you with your full intake of daily vitamins, and not one of them claims to energize you without that “redbull fog” (an awesome name for an indie band by the way).  What I’m saying here can’t possibly be true – but I can tell you, from experience, that I’ve been to a shit load of vending machines all over Tokyo, and I’ve never seen any drinks like this in them.  The drinks in those things claim to be “tasty”, they claim to make you “happy” because they taste good.

I don’t know what marketing genius convinced the American public that it’s better to drink your nutrients than eat them – but congratulations to them.  They now have a brand new baby boy named Stevia.

I could go on all day about the uselessness of this drink.  I really could.  But lets focus on the most important thing here:  IT TASTES LIKE SOMETHING THAT COMES OUT OF A SMURFS BUTT.

If I wanted this flavor in my mouth I would eat a strawberry shortcake doll.  All jokes aside, I would rather drink my own urine than taste this thing.

You know why?  Because lab rats can’t cook worth a shit.  Actually that’s not true – I do have a good friend who is a lab rat and she can cook her ass off.  But she does so with FOOD in a KITCHEN.  Not with chemicals in a lab – where all these stupid drinks are born.

At least Redbull is what it is.  You see someone pounding a redbull and it’s like a sign on their forehead.  “I know I’m an asshole.  I know it’s gross.  But I’m fucking tired, alright?”.  The industrial shiny metal punk rock can makes no attempt at fooling you into trusting it.  I’s a gross little drug that we can all take from time to time and feel appropriately guilty.

So.  To wrap it all up.  ACTIVE vitamin drink, with it’s special “hid in the lid” twisty cap function (you see it’s funny because it’s grammatically incorrect AND it rhymes) Sucks Balls.  It tastes like a slow death.  Even if it does contain 200% of your daily vitamins – that’s a bad thing – go eat healthy food – or take vitamins.  Anything.  just do not drink this thing.

I made this site for one reason:  to celebrate how awesome it is that we as humans have the ability to derive insane amounts of pleasure and satisfaction just by carrying out the most basic survival necessity – eating food.

Everything about this product works against that basic principle.

And it sucks fat balls.

ok bye.