EATFREAK

Welcome back kids.  Hope you liked the last post.  If you did, and you were paying attention, you will remember me using a strange object.  This one.

If you watch TOP CHEF, you might remember this exact same piece of gear from season three.  Competing Chef Richard Blais surprised everyone on the show by using his “Little Electric Smoker” to make a “Smoked Mayonnaise”.  See – normally you smoke something by using a real smoker – a large barrel like contraption wherein large chunks of wood are wet and then heated to the point of giving off shit loads of smoke – A piece of meat is generally placed in said smoker and left to be cooked by the heat and smoke and when it comes out it tastes like orgasms and rainbows and you die a little inside when you eat it.   (this has been a very very simplified kindergardeners version of the process of smoking meat … a kindergardener who for some reason is talking about orgasms).  There are actually a number of other ways you can smoke things, but that is the standard.  What surprised the judges on the show was that he smoked a Mayonnaise which would typically be difficult to accomplish because of how you might place it in a smoker, or what would happen to it during the process.  It was certainly an accomplishment to have pulled it off the kitchen they were working with. Well he wowed them all with his “Little Electric Smoker” in which he would place a small wood chip, light it on fire, and then, with the press of a button, blow smoke through a tube into a container with whatever he wanted to smoke – Mayonnaise, Chocolate Sauce, Babies, whatever.

Chef Richard Blais - this is not his smoked Mayonnaise. I couldn't find a photo of him using the smoker

Everyone marveled at the contraption and wondered how it’s possible that they hadn’t heard of it before.  Now I’m sure that on the set of Top Chef, it was very clear to everyone exactly what they were dealing with and I’m sure they had a blast coming up with just what they would call it and deciding how much they could talk about it on screen, seeing as how we’re dealing with a national television show, with a god fearing blue collar american audience and morals to uphold.

Well friends – with hardly any audience at all, no fear in my heart, and absolutely no morals to uphold whatsoever – here at EATFREAK.ORG, we are prepared to give you the truth.

Little Electric Smoker My Ass.

Yes my friends, what we are dealing here is a freaking pipe for smoking stinky weed.  We are dealing with Grade A contraband.  What we have here is some god damn grass smoking hippie pot head paraphernalia – smoking the shit out of your mayonnaise.

So it’s understandable why they didn’t make a bigger deal about it on the show and tell their audiences how they can find and own their own Little Electric Smoker and make their own smoked condiments in the comfort of their own home ….  but I will.

So – All funny pot jokes aside – This thing pretty much freaking rules.  here’s what it is, broken down.

It’s basically a plastic smoking pipe with all the standard features.  It just has a tiny cheap fan attached to it from the bottom (like those tiny portable fans that people have been tricked into buying for decades now, thinking that it’s actually cooling them down for some ridiculous reason, while we watch them drip sweat from every corner of their body, desperately clinging to a fan fit for a mouse pushing less cool air towards them than if they were actually holding a mouse who was blowing on them)  yeah like one of those.  There is a small button on the side – press it and the fan turns on.  The process would generally go like this.  Put pipe to mouth – light bowl – push button – have shit loads of smoke forced down your throat.

So basically this is a smoking pipe for pot heads who hate to breath.  Yes, no longer do you damned hippies have to deal with that pesky “breathing” problem.  What a fucking bore!  Now we can all get stoned without having to use the basic bodily functions for survival.

Anyway – yeah – as far as it’s original use is concerned, I can’t say I understand the attraction – even to the stinkiest of pothead – but it hardly matters now.

As far as it’s uses in food are concerned – it’s really awesome.  I seriously recommend you go buy one.  That’s right – I want you to jog down to your local head shop (trust me, there’s one within five miles of your home)  walk in and ask the man behind the counter if you could see there best electric pipe.  It costs about $20 bucks.  I keep trying to get my Dad to give it to my brother and sisters for Christmas.  I just love the idea of them opening up a gift from their own father only to discover a Glorified Bong.  (actually it’s nothing like a bong, I know, but it sounded funnier that way).  I think it’s a very funny gift – and a very cool and useful thing in the kitchen.

It’s uses are amazing.  The concept is that you can basically infuse almost anything with a rich smokey flavor without the long and intense process of smoking.

The basic process is as follows:  You place whatever you want to smoke in a container that either has a tight lid or can fit a piece of plastic wrap over it (I prefer the second option, it gives you more control).  You lift the lid or wrap enough to put the mouth end of the pipe in.  Light the wood.  Keep the lighter going as you press the fan blowing.  Blow as much smoke as you possibly can in there.  Then, quickly remove the mouth piece and seal the lid or wrap, trapping the food and smoke in there.  Let it sit and infuse for as long as you can.

I mean, come on!!  It’s really fucking cool.

In my brief experience with the thing I’ve learned a few points of interest.  Firstly, it seems to work best with things of a higher fat content.  This is why Richard’s Mayo worked so well.  I’ve tried to smoke Mushrooms many times with it – and it worked (kinda) – but the smokey flavor is really really subtle (too subtle really).  But – just try this on for size.

Chuck a stick of butter in a large bowl and let it get all soft and gross.  squeeze in about a tablespoon of Honey (Do Not go overboard with the Honey).  Then shake a couple shakes of Cayenne pepper over it (Go overboard with the Cayenne).  Mash it all together with a fork or something.  Cover that baby up and blow a bunch of smoke it there – let it sit (try to use a subtler, softer, warmer wood flavor – not hickory, not mesquite.  in fact you can use Earl Grey Tea leaves – that would be awesome.  Break off a piece of a stick of Cinnamon and smoke that in there – are you starting to see the bigger picture here????).  Remove the lid, mix it around, mold the butter into whatever shape you want – a pistol, a monkey, Rob Lowe, anything.  refrigerate ‘til it’s solid again (it’ll never be totally solid again now because of the honey, but it’ll get close)  Spread that shit on some toast – and thank me later.

Also – it works best with small stuff like that butter.  It’s not really gonna smoke your steak for you.  I mean, it will, but it will be pretty subtle.  This contraption is cool  because it can smoke unusual things – and to be honest that’s what it is best for.  It does not under any circumstances replace an actual smoker.  But if you are without a smoker and want to try to infuse your stock, steak, turkey dinner, anything with a smokey flavor – you can.

There is no standard process for using the thing – and there are no classic recipes to use it with because it’s very new and also because the food professionals are all embarrassed to really explain and talk about it.  But it’s a really exciting piece of gear for that reason.  It’s really fun to think of new uses for it.  I’m working on some form of smoked ice cream flavor.  I haven’t done it yet, but I’m guessing a smoked Guacamole would be freaking incredible.

I can’t imagine the thing would still be good for it’s original use once you’ve cooked with it, seeing as how it will reek of hickory.  Or maybe it would – Have some smoke with your smoke.  But remember – stay away from that devils weed.  It’ll eat your babies and steal your women.  Next thing you know you’ll wake up at a dirty orgy with dreadlocks, an empty tub of Ben and Jerry’s sitting next to you, and Cheetoh dust all over your fingers.

Thanks for reading.  This has been The Eat Freak.  Blowing smoke up your ass.

goodbye forever ‘til next time.

P.S..  I forgot to mention.  on the show, Richard’s smoker broke, leaving them up a creek without so much as a dime-bag.  I’m guessing this happened for the same reason mine broke right after I got it.  Here’s the deal.  You must be careful with the wood chip you use, if it is flakey, or if you’ve loaded a bunch of small chips in there, or if your piece is just too small it will get sucked straight into the fan and kill everything.  It’s an easy enough fix.  You take the whole damn thing apart, remove the chip, put it back together, and you’re back in business.  Buzz Kill.   Ok, I’m really going now.

P.S.S.  ugh   LAME!!!!!!  So someone who watched Top Chef was evidently smart enough to decide to capitalize on the interest in the product.  They have patented, built, and are now selling their “Smoking Gun” at roughly 4 times the price.  I’m attaching a link to where you can buy it for those of you who don’t have the testicular fortitude to walk your ass into a bong shop and save $50 Bucks.

http://www.cuisinetechnology.com/thesmokinggun.html

No you hang up first …. no YOU!!

If you are looking for something that will in fact smoke your steak, mushrooms, turkeys, or anything else, but don’t want or have the room for an outdoor smoker, might I suggest one of these http://bit.ly/498yD4. These nifty little stovetop smokers are pretty damn sweet and for $50 out the door, they don’t break the bank. Be warned though, if your kitchen doesn’t have good ventilation, your entire house will smell like smoke when you use it. Also great for smoking salts, spices, and nuts. Yep. Smoked nuts.

Comment by Gitig October 15, 2009 @ 12:17 pm

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Ha! This post cracked me up. For those of us lacking in testicular fortitude (or, you know, testicles) or who do not actually know the location of our closest head shop because we are old, there’s an online source of an electric pipe: http://www.grasscity.com/review/product/list/id/4302/category/1087/

Now I’m just trying to figure out if I’ll get disbarred if I order from them …

Comment by Kate October 17, 2009 @ 3:03 pm

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Look, I know you have a food blog now and all, but there’s no reason to knock the little electric fans, beautiful objects that they are. You clearly haven’t read the proper literature that allows you to appreciate these fans for their musical quality–a situation that must be remedied immediately. See me for more details.

Comment by hyman October 20, 2009 @ 12:15 pm

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