Filed under: Recipes
I hate making Latkes more than anything in the whole freaking world. Years ago I vowed to never ever do it again. If you enjoy shredding your knuckles to bloody stumps, third degree oil burns, and slaving over a steaming pile of burning death for hours on end, then stop reading now. If that sounds like less than a great time – read on – I’ve come up with a pretty awesome solution.
I am not jewish. I married into a jewish family. I didn’t convert or anything, but I still retain a sort of honorary jew status. The most prominent piece of this status being that Chanukah has now been held at my house for two straight years – and it’s looking like it’s going to stay that way for a long time. What that means for me is – Food Challenge – which suits me just fine.
I intend to enjoy fucking around with the Classic Chanukah meal, while attempting to maintain enough integrity as to not insult or disrespect tradition. This year we had a full meal including some very classic pieces and some really really untraditional stuff. This post will serve as the first piece in a series, delivering to you four courses of this years Chanukah meal titled – The Hand That Rocks The Dradle.
Part 1: The Latke
As I said before – making Latkes blows balls. I’d rather be a dead person than make them in the traditional way. That said, they are a crucial part of the Chanukah meal. I had to come up with a solution. Latkes are little shredded potato pancake type thingies. The idea is – you shred potatoes, mix them with some flavorful things like onions and herbs, bind them with some sort of bindy thing like eggs or whatever, then fry them in oil until they are awesome. One batch yields like a dozen hand sized fried tasty things and years worth of misery and pain. Potatoes, onions, eggs. hm. I’ve been making a Tortilla Espanola since I was 14 years old about 4 times a year. A Tortilla Espanola or Tortilla De Papas is a fried potato pie type thing with onions and eggs that is sort of the “my dick is bigger than your dick” of the Tapas world.
Long story short – I decided to marry the two dishes and make a sort of Latke Espanola, or Latke Torta – whatever the hell you want to call it – it rules.
Make no mistake – this is not an easy recipe. There are parts of it that are quite difficult. But nothing in this recipe compares to the raw frustration and pointless bullshit that comes with normal Latkes – and this is way way cooler.
2 Lbs. Yukon Gold Potatoes (4 – 6 depending on size)
1 onion – chopped big
1 egg
4 (ish) scallions – green parts chopped up
1 small fistful of italian parsley – chopped
Kosher Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper – some
Oil for cooking – Vegetable would be traditional – Olive Oil would be rad (that’s wat I used) Peanut Oil would be cool. I’ve been having fun with Sunflower oil recently ….. so whatever.
Prep is key here – get your shit together before you dive in. Get your food processor ready (or blender or whatever) chop up the onions and stuff – do everything you can in advance. That means if you’re actually gonna follow my recipe – read through once and gather all the gear – read through again and gather all the ingredients and prepare them for use. Don’t overcook the tortilla while you’re rummaging around looking for another pan. Ok – Here you go.
1. Peel and Grate the Potatoes. If you have a grater attachment on that food processor you can use that – I don’t so I didn’t. Put half of the grates potatoes in the finest strainer you have – preferably a fine mesh sieve – over a large bowl. Press a bit and start letting the liquid all fall into the bowl.
2. Chuck the rest of the grated potato and the onion into the food processor. Pulse like 5ish times for about 3 seconds each. get it mushy, but not loose and too drippy. Throw that mush in with the grated potatoes in the sieve. Mix and press liquid out the bottom. let sit for a bit.
3. Now. The stuff in the bowl will have separated into a starchy paste and a fine liquid. carefully pour off the liquid and discard – keeping the paste. Beat the egg into the paste. Now mix in the Scallion and the Parsley. Now mix in the potato mush. Now give it some Salt and Pepper. let that sit for a few minutes.
4. Now it gets tricky. If you have two equally sized nonstick pans, use those. Or two cast iron skillets of the same size – but you better be in good freaking shape or it’ll get really difficult later. If you don’t have two pans of the same size, use one, and have a plate and some dish towels ready that you aren’t afraid to fuck up. heat about 1/8 to 1/4 inch of the oil in the pan. when its hot, slide in the mixture and flatten it out evenly. Season lightly with Salt and Pepper. keep shake/spinning the pan every few minutes to stop it from sticking.
after about 3 – 5 minutes comes the hard part. If you have the equal sized pans – heat the second pan over high heat on another burner for about a minute. take the hot pans over to the sink. Place the empty pan upside down over the hot one so you’ve made a little cave in there. Now in one swift, smooth motion, flip them both over, so the tortilla flips into the second pan. place pan no. 2 on the burner and keep going. 3 – 5 more minutes should do it. after five minutes, flip again, if the crust seems a little blackened in places and has started to get a little gold in color – you’re good. Every time you flip that puppy, season with Salt and Pepper.
If you don’t have that second pan …. Take the tortilla pan over to he sink. Lay a plate (larger than the pan) upside down on top of the pan. Lay a towel on that. Place your hand on top of the towel. Now very quickly, but smoothly, and safely – flip the tortilla over onto the plate. Then slide the tortilla back into the pan – back on the burner and keep going.
5. Once it’s done – if you have a wire rack – flip it on to the rack and let it sit for 15 minutes – then flip it onto a plate for serving. If no wire rack, just go straight to the plate, but let it sit for a bit.
OK. so I know that last part with all the flipping is crazy. I freaked out the first couple of times – but it’s not that hard really, and once you get it down you can totally impress everyone you know. The most important thing is to be careful about the oil. That’s what the towels are for. If you drop a pan, drop the tortilla, break a plate – who gives a shit – but don’t burn the crap out of yourself with hot oil. (you’ll notice I’m not using the towels in the picture – I’ve been doing this for 15 years – use the towels)
And there you have it!! slice it up into thin wedges to serve. Beautiful right? Looks cooler than normal latkes. You can control the consistency of awesome flavor more because you’re not dealing with a bunch of different little things cooking and different times and temperatures and resting for different times. I pretty much think this recipe rules. Great for leftovers – awesome breakfast – it’s just as good hot as it is cold.
For those of you who think this recipe is too much of a pain in the ass – think again. See in my house, once you’ve don all that – you’ve gotta clean everything in the whole damn kitchen, and then do it again. I had 9 people this year – it took two of them to make everyone happy. We had two slices left. So one serves like 5 (ish).
Enjoy. It’s really really tasty. That’s part one. Stay tuned for The Hand That Rocks The Dradle pt. 2. Fried Chicken (not exactly you’re grandma’s Chanukah offering)
ok bye
p.s. yeah i know i totally disappeared for a while. sorry. my bad. ok i’m really going now.
Filed under: Reviews
So. After over a hundred years of brewing human piss and vomit – The folks at Anheuser-Busch finally realized that they suck asses and need to release an actual beer.
Meet “Budweiser American Ale”
Now. I am a serious beer fan. A really really really big beer dork. I’ve brewed my own beer a number of times. I’ve read books on the brewing process and history of the beverage. I’ve visited a number of breweries around the nation. You get the idea.
I personally believe that one of the most beautiful things about beer is that it can be enjoyed at so many different levels of the culinary experience. You can enjoy a top notch German Dunkelweiss alongside a perfectly prepared confit of duck. The next day you can down a few Pacificos with lime on the beach with some cheap ass chips and gross cheese dip.
My main point is – I am not what you would call a “beer snob”. I appreciate a good cheap lager in it’s right place. But make no mistake. Budweiser is not a “good cheap lager”. Neither is Coors. Neither is Miller. Neither is Pabst (You hear me hipsters? Yes even your precious little trophy throwback beer).
There are a number of porn genres which involve the videotaped drinking of human urine. I am just dying to get one of those “actors” opinion of Budweiser.
Anyway – now that I’ve alienated and pissed off a bunch of people – lets get back to the point.
In 2008 (i don’t know exactly when) Budweiser debuted it’s new “American Ale”
They are not the only cheap ass brewery to attempt to apologize for their years of shit brew with a new fandangled “real” beer. But this is the bottle that I saw randomly at the market today – and so – this is the one I’ll be reviewing.
First thing noticed – nice pour. It has a very pronounced Amber color to it. Upon pouring it had a nice head on it. Said head dropped somewhat quick, but that’s to be expected with most american style ales. It has large bubbles. You generally only see this in home brewed beer, small microbreweries, or smaller boutique beer companies. It’s kind of neither here nor there but it is a sign that Budweiser isn’t pulling a quick one on us. You can’t fake the large bubbles. This means that this beer is indeed brewed in a somewhat old school traditional manner instead of the robots in Milwaukee. (that’s not fair – it could indeed be the same robots who have just learned a thing or two about brewing over a few decades)
So visually – it gets – well … an A+
Next. Smells like a good beer. Definite Nutty smell. I can expect a bit of that nutty flavor that you get out of so many Colorado Style Ales. I don’t like that personally – but that’s just me. Many people enjoy a nutty beer, that’s cool, just not my style. Again, it kind of smells like a home brew. It’s difficult to explain if you’ve never brewed at home or had home brewed beer – but theres this malty sort of thing.
Taste time.
well. It tastes good. I would love to tear this beer apart. I would love to rub dog shit in the face of Anheuser-Busch and say that even their best effort couldn’t come up with a potable beverage. Can’t do it. For the last time – it even kind of tastes like a home brew. Those bubbles go down in a very specific way that reminds me of many home brews I’ve had. The nuttiness is subtler than I expected, which I like in an American Style Ale. You definitely taste the Hops very directly. As a Californian (home of the ever hoppy Pale Ale) I dig that. But again it’s subtle.
This beer doesn’t blow my mind. It definitely won’t join the ranks of my favorite beers – cheap ass or snooty. I rank it above most of the stuff coming out of Samuel Adams – Below anything coming out of New Belgium Brewery (but then it’s a slight price point below them).
But I definitely do enjoy it. It would go amazingly with a good burger. It could also befriend a good steak.
If you are a lighter beer person, you won’t dig it. I kind of don’t know what the hell your problem is – but whatever.
So um. Where does this leave me – and you? Well, we now know of one more good American Ale out there. I don’t really see myself ordering it unless it’s the only beer in it’s class on a drink list. Well that’s not true. I’d order it over a Sam Adams.
I guess all this means is I don’t get to rant and rail on the uselessness of Anheuser-Busch (though this hardly excuses about 7 trillion other atrocities they’ve committed). And maybe all you devoted Bud drinkers can finally grow up and drink real beer.
that’s all.
ok bye.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Ok. Well it finally happened. I missed a day. Oh wait, I missed a shit load of days. This last week proved to be the reason I cannot maintain a daily Blog. In the end I think it’s for the best. I have a hard time not writing about 40 pages per entry and now that there won’t be an entry every day it will give you, my precious reader, more time to enjoy it. I think from now on you can expect roughly an entry a week. I’ll throw in little special ones here and there, and sometimes it might be once every two weeks – but on average – one a week.
So – To make up for my tardiness I’m giving you a pretty serious recipe. In my house this recipe translates roughly to “The Ultimate Comfort Food In The Fucking World”. We all have our favorites. Everyone has their ultimate comfort food that they turn to when in need. For my wife and I (though it is a close call with a few other things) this reigns supreme.
This Spaghetti is super super duper easy. It is not a fancy kick ass recipe that will blow your mind. Well, it might blow your mind – it blows mine. But it’s not gourmet – it’s not exotic and unique – it’s none of that stuff. This is sweat-pants-and-reruns-of-”Cheers” Spaghetti.
I got this recipe from my sister, Liz. If you read the post about Clamato, she’s the one who warned me not to fuck with Beefomato. Just to clarify (and avoid a family wide brawl) I enjoy Beefomato very much. I was simply implying that if someone had an issue with trying Clamato because they find it “weird” – they’ve got another thing coming. (phew – tippytoed out of that one). Um. I’m pretty sure I haven’t changed a thing from the original recipe she gave me a few years ago – aside from the fact that all of the measurements are pretty much more like guidelines anyway. Though I think I use significantly less Garlic than she does.
I made this recipe last week because my wife and I were both slammed with work. I think I saw her a total of 3 hours all week. I was so busy I literally couldn’t make it out to the opening weekend of a new Musical that I helped compose the music for. BEAU FIB. And she was busy preparing for and then putting on a very very important fashion show. She’s kind of a freaking genius (as is her partner Lisa). Together they are LEYENDECKER.
ah yes – the shameless plug – one of the pleasant perks of being incredibly self important. Well at least that was a plug for somebody else. But then, if Leyendecker does well – I do well. So go buy their stuff – Daddy needs a new Wolf Range.
Anyway – back to the point. Food. Spaghetti. Four Letter Words.
1 large can Tomato sauce – Liz and I both prefer Condatina (they didn’t have it today)
1 small can Tomato Paste – Liz and I both prefer Condatina (they had it today)
1 medium/small onion – Chopped
1 or 2 Celery Stalks – very thinly sliced
1-4 Garlic Cloves – I think Liz uses 4, I use about 2
crushed red pepper – some
Italian Seasoning – or dried oregano or whatever – some
Olive Oil
Kosher Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper
1 box Spaghetti Noodles
1 glass of wine – red or white, I change it depending on my mood. sometimes I’ll use sweet vermouth or Sherry. I think Liz uses Vodka and she uses a little more than a shot or so.
( 1 episode of Cheers . early or late years, doesn’t matter. Add more to taste if desired)
(Sidenote – sorry. If you cook Tomatoes without using alcohol you fail to release a number of very kick ass flavor compounds inside the tomato. Some recipes count on the lack of those compounds, fine. Pay attention to the tomato recipes you cook with or without alcohol involved and get to know the difference – it’s significant. generally the guideline is to use the amount of alcohol you would drink …. so if you use beer, use a bottle, wine, use a glass, vodka, use a shot – etc.)
So – prep is important here – do it all in advance because you’ll be throwing a bunch of stuff in a hot pan in succession, you don’t want to be opening the can of tomato sauce while you are overcooking and burning your vegetables.
1. pour some olive oil in a big hot sauce pan – look at the picture if you want to know how much. judge how much of the herbs and red pepper you wanna use (careful with the pepper, seriously) throw that in the oil with some salt and pepper too. let that infuse for about 30 seconds.
2. Chuck in the Onion – let it get awesome for a bit – I stir very consistently throughout this whole process, you don’t want ANYTHING to brown – when it’s translucent and your neighbors can smell it Throw in the Celery – again …wait for it to be awesome (lose a bit of it’s color) Then throw in the Garlic – Do Not Let It Brown … but do let it get awesome … this is awesome (below)
actually this is slightly less than awesome. The celery needs to lose a bit more color, and i browned the herbs a bit because I had to take a picture for you ... you see? the sacrifices I make.
3. Throw in the Tomato Sauce and Tomato Paste and stir like hell(come to think of it, i don’t think Liz uses the paste) anyway – to be completely honest, I eyeball it, and if I want more sauce today I throw in more sauce … this time I threw in one more small can of sauce.
4. let it come to a bubble and chuck in the booze – stir. Let it come to a steady bubble and reduce to low heat.
5. if you’ve got a splatter shield – use it, this puppy’s a spitter. You’re gonna keep that on low and reduce it until it’s the thickness you want. I have no idea how thick you want it, so don’t ask me. But you’re looking at at least an hour, more like two. Liz likes it thicker than peanut butter, I believe. I concur.
6. When the sauce looks like it’s getting close to ready, boil a big ass pot of water. Chuck in the noodles and cook them until they are done.
7. I have no idea what Liz does now – I obey my wife at this point. Strain the noodles – then chuck all of them in the sauce pan with the sauce. Raise the heat to high and stir that ridiculous mess up until it’s smoking hot.
NOW SERVE AND EAT, FOOLS !!!!!!!
I could shove this shit in my face for days. Every single time we make it – like a couple of freaking morons – we say “I think this is the best batch yet”.
It’s so easy – it’s so basic – it’s so simple. I have no idea why people get addicted to crack when this spaghetti is out there – it’s cheaper, it tastes better, and I understand coming down off it is significantly milder.
It gets better day two.
As I cooked this, I listened to Julian Casablanca’s new album “Phrazes For The Young”. It’s not out yet, but you can hear the full album on Myspace. It’s kind of amazing. There are definitely some pretty poopy songs on it, but the there is some other really really cool shit. I’m not ashamed of my serious love of The Strokes. You hear that, music snobs? I don’t care what you think of me. I own all of their records and all of their respective solo albums as well. I have a great amount of respect for them as a band, and great respect for Casablancas. I think that son of bitch really knows how to write a song, and I’m a sucker for an irreverent crooner. Check it out.
SO! Dump a super hot steaming pile of Spaghetti in a bowl, throw on some fucked up old sweats, and curl up on the couch with Ted Danson – but don’t get too close – that puppy’s a spitter too, as I understand.
ok bye.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Clamato. Loved or Feared. Mostly feared. Misunderstood? Certainly. Those of you who choose not to partake like to squish up your face all weird at the very mention, while those of us who do partake sit around and share Clamato sex fantasies.
My family loves to tell the stories of small children crawling around with Clamato in their baby bottles. These stories are true. I had Clamato in my bottle when I was an infant. I remember the day my brother poured Clamato into his first born daughter’s bottle. I know it’s fucked up. what? Well, it’s not actually fucked up. It is kind of cultish and odd. The point is, I grew up on the stuff and find it as common place as water.
Most people treat Clamato like Alien Piss. They fear it while simultaneously convincing themselves that it can’t possibly exist. Perhaps not “most people” – but I’ve been surprised to see how many people just cant freaking handle the concept of it.
So – let’s get it out of the way. What Is Clamato? In essence, it’s a tomato juice cocktail. One of the ingredients that makes up this cocktail is indeed dried Clam Broth – Hence …. CLAMato. (this is the part where most people squish their face up all weird …… feel free).
If you didn’t squish up your face – if you have no problem with that idea – or if you are one of us (those who enjoy Clamato frequently) This Post is not for you … but feel free to read on.
For those of you who did squish your face up …. get over it. Clamato rules. I get it. I understand (to an extent) that the idea of clams in your tomato juice may seem strange …. did I say “I understand”? Sorry. I’m gonna retract that (retract but not erase … what a prick). If you do not hate clams, there is no reason to have a problem with this. Haven’t you ever had a Clam based Pasta dish? Kick ass sweaty tomatoey steamy clammy goodness? Come on!! It’s not a crazy concept.
Nothing pisses me off more than a closed mind – especially about food. That is not to say that everyone should have an enormous wide spread palate and you suck if you don’t love everything. That’s not true at all. But if you dismiss something without giving it an open minded chance – you’re a moron. There are no rocket jetpacks, you are never going to shoot at bad guys while hanging from a helicopter, or hang out in a tree with your friend cartoon dragon. FOOD is one of the only real adventures, people. Certainly the easiest one we’ve all got access to. If you are not adventurous in any other aspect of your whole life, at least you can try to be where food is concerned.
So – with that in mind – drink Clamato – now. Do it with an open mind. Don’t think about the Clam thing. Forget what it is entirely. In my opinion the whole clam flavor thing is pretty freaking mild – often not even noticeable. The real thing you will definitely notice about Clamato is the Garlic flavor. It’s more Garmato than Clamato.
Here’s the thing. Most people aren’t going to just drink a glass of Clamato (as I did this morning) – I understand that. That’s not generally what it’s for anyway. I understand if you find it a strange beverage, but it’s not just a beverage. Clamato is a staple in many recipes I make – and it’s a really unique way of throwing some very cool flavors into a lot of dishes. It’s an awesome addition to Gazpacho. Any seafood soups with a tomato broth get really kick ass when you add Clamato. Not to mention the Bloody Mary for Pete’s sake (does that count as a second Pete’s Dragon reference?) Jesus! Now, I’ve had a number of really really good Bloody Mary’s that did not have Clamato in them … sure … but I didn’t inhale, and I did not like it. It’s cool to actually combine regular tomato juice with Clamato for a Bloody Mary.
I want to officially start Clamato Awareness week. I’m gonna look into this. I’ll let you know what I come up with.
I do have one issue with Clamato – which I’ve developed recently. Lately I try very hard to avoid foods that are made in Labs instead of Kitchens. Mostly the idea is to stay away from things with to many ingredients that have impossible science words in them. It’s just an idea, not a law, or even a rule – but I try to follow it as a guideline. Clamato definitely does contain the dreaded “High Fructose Corn Syrup”. It is for this reason I try to use it more sparingly these days. BUT Far More Importantly – it is why I have started the Eat Freak Clamato Challenge. I will begin, shortly, testing various recipes for a homemade Clamato. The intention is to come up with a recipe that is reasonably cost effective (as close to buying a bottle of Clamato as possible) that can serve as a suitable substitute. If you’d like to give it a try I’d love to hear about your attempts. I’ll be posting mine here for your enjoyment – successes and failures.
Before I go, I will leave you with a link to the recipe section of Clamato.com – I think some of the stuff their looks pretty awesome – you should try some of it out.
http://www.clamato.com/en/recipes/food/
Hey – at least it’s not Beefamato. Yep. the photo is real. Can’t make this shit up.
ok bye.
p.s. sorry about the tiny font. i cannot, for the life of me, get this thing to work today.
Filed under: Recipes
Most people have a pretty weird relationship with Breakfast. There are those who eat no breakfast at all ever – those who eat a big breakfast every day – “healthy” people who have smoothies or fruit or granola or some shit – There’s the Cereal Zombies. I have no problem with any of these types, I just find it funny. Me? I love breakfast – but if I’m to be lumped into a category it’s probably the “dinner for breakfast” type.
It’s a family-wide epidemic. We get it from my dad. When I was in high school, my Mom might be having a health shake or a bowl of cereal, while my little sister and I could be found heating up bowls of last nights spaghetti at 7 am.
This recipe is one my Dad picked up in Spain when he was just a kid. It sort of rides the line between breakfast and … kind of everything else. So it satisfies the freaks like me and my sister – but also works for you normal people.
It’s super easy – and it’s a great leftovers thing. although if you’re gonna use old bread, it shouldn’t be from more than just the night before.
1 tomato
2 slices of good bread
olive oil
Herbs – Italian Seasoning, or dried oregano, or dried basil – whatever you want really
Kosher Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper
(oh yeah – I use a lime sometimes to, but you don’t have too)
1. Put the bread in a toaster oven and toast it. Or hold it over the open flame of your stove til it’s nice and brown. Or toast it up with a little bit of Olive Oil in a pan. whatever you want.
2. heat a few tbs. of Olive Oil on high in a small pan. While it’s getting hot, slice the tomato in half. throw a few pinches of the herbs and salt and pepper in the oil. Let it infuse there for about 30 seconds. Then put the tomato halves in, flat side down.
3. reduce the heat to medium high. cook the tomatoes, moving them around a bit. after about a minute, flip them over. Season with a few pinches of all that stuff again. After about another minute, flip them over again and remove the skin – it should be pretty much leaving of it’s own accord at this point anyway. Season again a little. Keep cooking – when the tomato halves are just about to start falling apart, remove form the heat.
4. place the tomato halves on the toast. pour some of the gross juicy good stuff from the pan over it. this is when I might squeeze some lime over the whole thing. Might also season a bit again.
NOW EAT IT. It’s really good.
It helps if you destroy the tomato at this point and smush it all over the bread.
It’s a great breakfast – it’s a great lunch – it’s a great appetizer or side dish.
Tomatoes on Toast, people! GADZOOKS!
ok bye.
Filed under: Recipes
Never ever ever misunderestimatize the importance of fresh ingredients. Sometimes all the fancy flavor squishing cooky goodness in the world can’t compare to one really fresh blackberry. Or a fresh tomato. Or a stinky ass cheese.
Every once in a while, my wife and I will do what we call a “wine and cheese” night. It started out as a night wherein we’d get a nice bottle of wine and a few cheeses, accompanied by a few cornichons, a slice or two of a dry cured meat, some fresh fruit for dessert. As the photos on this page might imply – it’s gotten a little out of control.
The concept here is basic. Get a shit load of really fresh, really amazing ingredients – chuck it all in a bowl – enjoy a glass of wine or ten – get some good company around – and stuff your face.
This particular time (in the photo) There’s some fresh mint and basil, some spanish olives, cornichons, Heirloom Tomatoes, some capicolla, a nice sliced chorizo (really cool wrapped in stinky fresh mint), Some Burrata, some tiny sweet peppers. I’m probably missing some stuff – but it’s not the point. The point is to find whatever is really fresh that day, whatever you want. I really enjoyed getting a bite of Heirloom Tomato with Pepperoncini wrapped in Basil, personally.
If you’ve got a farmers market near you on Sundays, you should be going to it. I’ll get more into that later, but you really should. That Sunday is a good opportunity to do this. You get all kinds of fresh shit to use throughout the week, but first, that night, take a bit of each thing you got, chuck it in a huge platter and do this.
I spend a lot of time obsessing over wanting new flavors, wanting to cook something really fucked up good and different. It’s really good for me to relax and just enjoy some super tasty stuff that’s as simple as is humanly possible. no cooking, no nothing.
Oh yeah – dessert. As you can see, we just threw some fresh strawberries and a hunk of brie in a bowl. That’s my idea of dessert. That’s the kind of dessert I want to whisper dirty things to.
So There. Go Forth. Eat Good Food! Do It Now!!
ok bye.
p.s. I’m hoping I don’t have to mention the obvious health factor here.
p.s.s. throw in a really good baguette with some good quality olive oil to dip it in and you can probably not worry about anything else again for the rest of your life.
i’m hanging up now.
Filed under: Reviews
KAPOOSH BITCHES!!!
Alright. Who’s heard of the Kapoosh? Well, it’s the shit.
Problem: Storing Knives.
If you put your knives in a drawer they will dull under their own weight and get damaged by other shit in there. Most wood knife blocks only work for the full knife set they sell with them – so you’ve got odd shaped things that don’t work with every one of them on the market. Also, when the knife rests on it’s edge in a wooden slot, it dulls as well.
Solution: KAPOOSH
Though not made by the lovely people who brought us the Koosh Ball, it’s name, basic function, and core technology are sort of it’s evil twin.
It’s seriously just a Knife block, but instead of having slots for knives, they’ve basically shoved an enormous koosh ball in there. Who was smoking what when they came up with this idea? I don’t know. But they are freaking geniuses.
It can fit any knife at all. All of your knives can go in it – no matter what shape or size. The soft Kooshy Alien Fingers don’t dull or scratch the blade in any way, giving it a safe soft storage space.
Also, and most importantly – you can take all the knives out and squish your fingers in there, and it feels really weird.
You can find it for anywhere between $20-$30 online. Ooh, I guess their making fancy stainless ones now for almost $70 too, if you wanna spend too much money .
http://www.amazon.com/Kapoosh-Universal-Knife-Block-Woodgrain/dp/B000O35PIK
http://www.vat19.com/dvds/kapoosh-universal-knife-block-utensil-holder.cfm
this guy gave it a bad review.
http://www.cookingforengineers.com/article/272/Kapoosh-Knife-Block-not-recommended
He’s got something up his ass. But if you’re worried about the issues he presents (I’ve owned my Kapoosh for 2 years now and never experienced any of the shit he talks about) just email him, ask him what he’s got up his ass, and get one for yourself.
The kitchen should ALWAYS be fun … no matter how serious the cooking gets. What’s more fun than shoving a bunch of knives in a koosh ball? not freaking much.
ok bye
Filed under: Recipes
I love fries. I really do. I love them. I have dirty dreams about them. I like to think that maybe they have the same feelings about me. But I doubt it.
I love fries so much that I forced my wife to put a deep fryer on our wedding registry. Some brilliant and understanding friend purchased it for us, and Boom! Deep frier. The day it arrived I started my battle to make the perfect french fry. A battle I am losing, my friends. Losing really really bad. French fries obviously don’t love me anywhere near as much as I love them – otherwise they would never hurt me like this.
Making the classic french fry is a crazy long ridiculous drawn out heartbreaking process of blanching and reblanching and doing all this crazy shit, and if you slightly fuck up one section you’ll know what shoelaces taste like. I know what shoelaces taste like.
A couple of days ago, I caved, and started putting together a recipe for an Oven Fry – that could satisfy my Fry urges until I perfect the real thing. There are foodies out there who would have me killed for this. The general consensus is that the baked oven fry could never ever replace the deep fried french fry. No one’s talking about replacing here – but there’s no reason in the world you can’t make a good oven fry. And after a little trial and error – I made a fucked up good oven fry.
It’s super easy. It’s super tasty. It’s super cheap. It’s healthier than french fries. If you don’t make this that means you don’t even like fries – and that means you are a horrible person.
So at the risk of everyone knowing that you are a horrible person – do this.
4 (ish) potatoes
Peanut Oil – some. it’s mostly eyeballed
Kosher Salt and Fresh Ground Pepper
other seasonings – whatever you want – I recommend a little curry powder
1. Cut your fries. Try to make them as even as is humanly possible. We want perfect little potato clones – this way they will cook more evenly and you’ll avoid eating one kick ass fry and then one puke ass fry. You can remove the skin or not – I didn’t.
2. Throw the cut fries in a bowl of cold water. Should stay there about 30 minutes. I have to start preheating my oven to 475 at this point because my oven takes 7 business days to heat up – maybe you don’t have to start this early.
3. Remove the fries from the water and do anything in your power to dry them. Careful not to break them, but get that fucking water out of there. Once they’re dry, toss them in a bowl. Drizzle some peanut oil over them, just enough to lightly coat. Then chuck in Salt, Pepper, and seasoning (I threw some Lawry’s salt on mine). Toss it all around til all that stuff gets all over the place.
4. Pour some Peanut Oil into a baking pan. Pour in just enough to line the pan. Now chuck the fries in there. Spread them out as evenly as you can in one layer. Sprinkle a bit more Salt, Pepper, and stuff over them. Cover tightly with Tin Foil.
5. Chuck it in the oven. 5 minutes.
6. Remove the Tin Foil – Back in the oven 10 minutes.
7. Rotate the pan – back in for another 10 minutes.
8. Do your best to flip all of the fries over – back in for another 10 minutes.
9. rotate the pan – back in again for yet another freaking 10 minutes.
10. get ‘em out of there. Line a big bowl with paper towels. Throw the fries in there – dry off the fries as much as is humanly possible with those paper towels. remove the paper towel. throw yet another little shake of seasoning stuff on there. NOW EAT DAMNIT!!
Watch the fries near the end after you’ve flipped them over – if they look like they are starting to really get golden – speed up the process and get them out of the oven early. Overdone fries are gross.
ok so check this out.
put ketchup in a small container. (preferably organic ketchup. All ketchups are made in Chem. Labs, but at least the organic ones don’t use the ten thousand chemicals that go in the other ones. they taste great too) like 2 tablespoons. stir in 1 teaspoon of Madras Curry Powder (just go buy it, you can get a tub the size of Texas for like a buck). Now eat that. So stupid simple, and So fucking good.
alright. fries and ketchup. but awesome.
ok bye.
Filed under: Reviews
I went hiking with a friend recently. As we arrived at our hiking destination we realized we had forgotten to bring water and it was over 90 degrees. Luckily for us, they were handing out free water at the head of the hiking trail as a promotion for a new product. You see, this wasn’t just any water – this was super special idiot water.
See if you can follow me …. It’s just normal water. You can twist the cap one way, and drink straight up water. But if you turn the cap another way, it drops healthy vitamins, energizing chemicals, artificial coloring, and tasty flavory stuff in there – taking it WAY beyond the realm of “water” and deep into the realm of really fucking lame.
Gone are the days, my friends, of sneaky beverage companies combining ingredients before you buy the product. NO! Now, we are finally free to decide if we want plain water or some saccharin substitute AFTER we purchase it.
It says it’s sweetened by “Stevia” – which I would seriously consider as a drag name if given the opportunity. Only my drag queen alter ego would never be caught dead sweetening the likes of this lame ass drink.
I’ll never understand the flood of “nutritional” or “energy” drink products drowning this country. Were we so bad off, people? Could you just not fucking get up in the morning? Were those weekend jogs just beating the crap out of you – but now that you can drink some artificial chemical cocktail that tastes like a pile of fake fruit made out with a cartoon – and now it’s all worth while again? What was wrong with Orange Juice? What was wrong with Coffee? Sure coffee has it’s drawbacks – but this is the solution?
In Japan there is 1 vending machine for every 23 people. Thats 5.4 million vending machines. In each machine there’s got to be at least 50 beverages, if not more like a hundred. Not one of those beverages claims to provide you with your full intake of daily vitamins, and not one of them claims to energize you without that “redbull fog” (an awesome name for an indie band by the way). What I’m saying here can’t possibly be true – but I can tell you, from experience, that I’ve been to a shit load of vending machines all over Tokyo, and I’ve never seen any drinks like this in them. The drinks in those things claim to be “tasty”, they claim to make you “happy” because they taste good.
I don’t know what marketing genius convinced the American public that it’s better to drink your nutrients than eat them – but congratulations to them. They now have a brand new baby boy named Stevia.
I could go on all day about the uselessness of this drink. I really could. But lets focus on the most important thing here: IT TASTES LIKE SOMETHING THAT COMES OUT OF A SMURFS BUTT.
If I wanted this flavor in my mouth I would eat a strawberry shortcake doll. All jokes aside, I would rather drink my own urine than taste this thing.
You know why? Because lab rats can’t cook worth a shit. Actually that’s not true – I do have a good friend who is a lab rat and she can cook her ass off. But she does so with FOOD in a KITCHEN. Not with chemicals in a lab – where all these stupid drinks are born.
At least Redbull is what it is. You see someone pounding a redbull and it’s like a sign on their forehead. “I know I’m an asshole. I know it’s gross. But I’m fucking tired, alright?”. The industrial shiny metal punk rock can makes no attempt at fooling you into trusting it. I’s a gross little drug that we can all take from time to time and feel appropriately guilty.
So. To wrap it all up. ACTIVE vitamin drink, with it’s special “hid in the lid” twisty cap function (you see it’s funny because it’s grammatically incorrect AND it rhymes) Sucks Balls. It tastes like a slow death. Even if it does contain 200% of your daily vitamins – that’s a bad thing – go eat healthy food – or take vitamins. Anything. just do not drink this thing.
I made this site for one reason: to celebrate how awesome it is that we as humans have the ability to derive insane amounts of pleasure and satisfaction just by carrying out the most basic survival necessity – eating food.
Everything about this product works against that basic principle.
And it sucks fat balls.
ok bye.
Filed under: Recipes
There’s a dumb game. What’s your favorite Color? What’s your favorite mixed drink? Put those together and that’s your Superhero name.
I’m not a mixed drink guy. I’m a Californian, so I’m pretty sure I can get arrested if I don’t enjoy a Margarita now and then. I’m also partial to a good Bloody Mary. But other than that it’s very very rare that I have a mixed drink.
This game got me thinking …. what is my favorite mixed drink? This is what I came up with.
The Black Velvet.
I’m generally surprised to find how many people aren’t familiar with The Black Velvet. For those of you reading – A Black Velvet is what happens when you combine Beer and Hard Cider in a glass while not allowing them to mix (much like a black and tan). More specifically when you combine a Dark Stout with a British Draft Cider. And if you want to get traditional – The Classic Black Velvet occurs when you combine equal parts Guinness Imperial Stout and Strongbow “England’s Dry Cider”.
A brief word on both of these beverages before we get going – as I have been ridiculed for my love of both.
Guinness. No – it is not a meal in a drink. I don’t care if you are used to spouting that useless cliche. Knock it off. Guinness is lighter than Pabst for shit sake. The whole point of this drink it that the Guinness literally floats on top of the Cider. It’s also not a Strong Beer. It’s dark because the barley is roasted before fermentation – the roasting burns off much of the sugar in the barley – it’s that sugar that makes beer heavy and fatty, and it’s that sugar that turns into alcohol. Guinness is a light beer in all respects. It has a different, bitter taste compared to the squirrely crap most people drink in America. Allow yourself to enjoy something different. Guinness is a great drink.
Now Cider. I have been mocked in all corners of the world for drinking Cider. Some dude with a Heineken will treat me like a pansy for having a Strongbow. When did apples become “pansy”? There are flowers in Heineken. Hops. Hops are flowers – pretty ones – like pansies. I’ve said it before on this blog. Cider is a complex and awesome drink that is completely underrated. There are higher end Ciders that aren’t sweet at all and make that Heineken taste like a jolly rancher. Strongbow is a nice halfway point – Sweet and Hearty. Awesome. Drink it. It’s rad.
Better yet – Enjoy them both – Together – Like this!!
1 Can of Guinness
1 Can of Strongbow
1 Pint Glass
1. Get your Strongbow and pour it into the Pint glass until said pint glass is half full. Pour it along the side of the glass slowly to avoid a big head. Remember those tricky pint glasses get wider at the top – so half full goes a lot higher up on the glass than you think..
2. here’s the tricky part. people usually tell you to do this you need to bend a spoon and use it. Well, there’s no need to bend a spoon – but you will be using one. I recommend pouring the Guinness into a measuring cup. You don’t have to – but an important thing in this process is accuracy, and it’s easier to do so with a proper pouring vessel instead of a metal can. Stick the spoon halfway down the glass til it rests just above the Cider, and lean it up agains the glass wall.
3. Now, slowly, pour the Guinness out of the measuring cup and directly onto the spoon. Keep pouring, slowly, and raising the spoon as the liquid rises. When the glass is full – you’re done.
Now Drink Up!! If you did this right – Your first few sips will be straight Guinness, bitter and hearty – The main stay of your drink will be an awesome combination of the Biting Cider and the Dark Guinness – Then you’ll finish up with a few sips of Sweet Undisturbed Cider.
It’s fun. It’s great for St. Patty’s Day. It goes real good with any Irish or British meal you might make. Shepherds Pie, Corned Beef and Cabbage, Fish and Chips.
There’s a dumb game. What’s your favorite color? What’s your favorite mixed drink? Put those together and that’s your Superhero name.
I am The Grey Black Velvet.
Who the hell are you?
ok bye.
